Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone: Remixed!
by mylia11
Summary: Harry Potter like you've never seen it before! Now with more randomness! Same basic plot line, but with added randomness! Crazy authoresses starting chapter 7 and beyond! Please R&R! On temporary/permanent hiatus
1. The Boy Who Didn't Die

** Welcome to the first of the renovated chapters of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone: Remixed! I hope you enjoy my new additions and changes as much as I do, and thank you for reading this story.**

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_Yo, Yo, Hey, Hey! This is the story!_

_About a boy!_

_Who's not a toy!_

_It's pretty gooey! (NOT)_

_He-He lives another day-day!_

_But can't make his family stay-stay!_

_You've all heard this story before-fore,_

_but now, expect more-more!_

_The additions are f-f-f-fresh-fresh!_

_And JKR owns the r-r-r-rest-rest!_

_But be warned, th-th-though-though_

_this might contain spoilers, yo!_

_Now, us rappers are out!_

_Peace! Holler!_

"Everyone,"announced a disembodied voice, "Fred and George, or as they call themselves, _Gred _and _Forge _Weasley!"

Two red-headed boys appeared, and a disembodied crowd erupted in applause. As one of the boys bowed the other grabbed his microphone and yelled, "Thank you everyone, and goodnight FanFiction!"

The crowed roared as the boys walked off the mysterious stage, and all faded to black.

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Chapter One:

The Boy Who Didn't Die

Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of numbah four, Privet Drive, were proud to say they were perfectly normal. As if being a stalker neighbor and having no neck is normal, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Anyway, the supported this statement by saying they were the last people you would think would be involved in some strange nonsense, because they believed it didn't exist.

This, my readers, I call the Law of Ignorance: If you don't believe something exists, then it doesn't. Like if I don't be live Justin Beiber exists, then he won't, and I will win the Nobel Peace Prize for curing "Beiber Fever".

Mr. Dursley was the director of a company called Grunnings, which, surprisingly, made drills. He was a big, meaty man with barely any neck, and a gigantic mustache to match. Mrs. Dursley was the polar opposite of her husband. She was thin, and had all the amount of neck Mr. Dursley had, plus her own neck, which was suited for her unusual habit of spying on her neighbors, and other passerby, which got her admitted into a mental institute. Twice.

The Dursleys had a "small" son, who, according to their deranged opinion, there was no finer boy anywhere else.

The Dursleys had everything they needed and almost everything they wanted and partially everything they deserve and not enough of what they desire. But, like all families, they had a secret, and their greatest fear was- no, not that 2012 was real, but that someone would discover their secret.

They didn't think anyone would ever figure out about the Potters. Mrs. Potter was, (surprise!) Mrs. Dursley's sister, but they haven't seen each other for several years. In fact, Mrs. Dursley almost forgot she had a sister, as she pretends she doesn't exist, since her sister and her "good-for-nothing" husband were un-Dursleyish as anyone could ever be. But, let's face it, who _would _want to be Dursleyish?

The Dursleys shuddered to think what the neighbors would think if the Potters came to visit. I'll tell you what they'd think: Those lot are hell of a lot better than our neighbors, the Dursleys. The Potters had a small son, which gave them another reason not to have the Potters over. They didn't want a boy like that mixing with Dudley, their youngest and (luckily) only son.

Here is where our story officially begins: On a dull, gray Tuesday morning, where no one was expecting anything exiting to happen. Mr. Dursley enjoyed dull, gray days, as he got to wear his favorite dull and gray tie, which was, ironically, dull and gray as well.

Mrs. Dursley gossiped away about the neighbors and how their lives were so boring, as she wrestled Dudley, into his special high chair built for his "special" body structure... What? It's not _my _fault he's so dang fat!

Strangely, they all had their backs turned towards the window, and none of them saw the large tawny owl flutter past it.

At half past eight, or 8:30 for you people who can't read a c1ock without NUMB3R5, (excuse the modern term) Mr. Dursley picked up his briefcase, which he used to sneak food around, hugged Mrs. Dursley, and tried to kiss Dudley. He would have succeeded, if Dudley could stop moving his five chins and/or his wobbly cheeks. Or maybe was it because he was having a tantrum ad was throwing his food all around the house?

Either way, Mr. Dursley chucked, "Little tyke," and left the house. He got into his car and left the driveway. It was on the corner of a street, where he saw something peculiar, even for an ordinary person: A cat reading a map. For a second, Mr. Dursley thought he was hallucinating. Then, he rapidly blinked and looked again.

There _was _a tabby cat, but no map in sight. Mr. Dursley shook his head, thinking it was just a trick of the light... How thick could you get?

As he turned, he saw the cat from his review mirror reading the sign that said Priv- no, _looking _at the sign that says Privet Drive. Cats can't read signs _or _maps! Can they? (Cue ominous music)

Mr. Dursley shook the cat out of his head, and put his mind on food, work, food, and did I mention food? And, oh yeah, drills.

But on the edge of town drills were "drilled" out of his mind by something else. Did you catch the pun? I bet you caught the pun! You definitelycaught the pun, by _now _at the least. Back to the story.

As he sat (in his car) in the usual morning traffic, he couldn't help noticing that there seemed to be a lot of people about. People in cloaks. Mr. Dursley, at first, assumed it was a strange fashion- the getups you saw on young people these days. But, of course, everyone is younger than Mr. Dursley. Yeah, that's right. I went there. What now?... What? You- you wanna go back to the story? Alright then.

He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel when he noticed a large group of them standing close to his car. He was enraged to see that a couple of them were not young at all. In fact, one man had to be older than he was (surprise! No, literally, this is a big surprise to me. Yeah, I went there, _again._ ) and was wearing an emerald cloak. The nerve of him! But then, a thought struck Mr. Dursley (surprise! … Seriously, tell me how many of you saw this coming... Yeah, I thought so.).

He thought that these people could be hobos, (no offense to hobos everywhere), or they were a large group trying to collect something... yes, that _had _to be it. Soon, the traffic moved on, and Mr. Dursley's drilling mind was back on drilling drills for the sake of drilling to create buildings that drill drills so they can drill drills into buildings, too. Okay, _now_ you see the pun, don't you?

Mr. Dursley has this strange habit to turn his back towards windows. If he didn't have this habit, he might have been angrier than usual, for several owls were seen swooping past people in broad daylight. People stood in awe as the owls whizzed past them. Most people haven't seen owls even on T.V, which, in my opinion, is pretty crazy, don't you think?

Mr. Dursley had a nice day of yelling at people for no apparent reason. In fact, he felt the need to treat himself to a nice cake at the bakery across the street. It was there his mood took a turn for the worst. As he walked to the baker's, he saw a clad of those cloaked weirdos standing together, whispering avidly.

He didn't see any collecting tin, nor did he see any junkyard clothing (not that there's anything _wrong _with junkyard clothes). He leaned in and heard a small piece of information that scarred him for life:

"The Potters, that's what I heard-"

"-yes, their son, Harry-"

"-killed-"

Mr. Dursley froze. Fear flooded his body (and it probably took a while, too. Yup, I went there, _three times!_). He looked at the group of strangers, and wanted to say something to them, but he decided against it. He also had the sudden urge to tell Petunia, but thought better of that too. You all know why. Big and obvious wink.

Though he tried to forget about the "incident", he still found it hard to concentrate on drills. In fact, he was so distracted, when he exited the building to go home, he walked straight into an old man.

"Sorry,"grumbled Mr. Dursley, until he realized the old man was wearing a purple cloak. And he didn't seem upset at all.

The old man's face split into a toothy smile, and he said in a squeaky voice, "Don't be sorry, my dear sir, for not even Justin Beiber could make me upset today! Rejoice, for You-Know-Who has gone at last! Even ordinary Muggles like you should be celebrating! Everyone should! Except Death Eaters, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Severus Snape, and perhaps a few others as well. Oh well, you can't please everyone." Shrugging, he walked away, leaving a very confused Dursley, who, for the first time in his life, wished he was imagining things.

The first thing he saw when he pulled into the driveway of his home, was the same tabby cat he saw earlier that morning. It was now sitting on the garden wall, and staring at him.

"Listen stalker cat, get the heck away from me and my family, you hear me!"he yelled at the cat, the same moment Ms. Figg, a neighbor to the Dursleys walked by. She stared at him momentarily, then ran away as fast as she could. Mr. Dursley could only sigh, as the cat did not move.

He tried to pull himself together, and entered the house.

Mrs. Dursley had a nice day of spying on the neighbors and feeding Dudley. While she told her husband about her ordinary day, he tried to act normally. When Dudley had been put to bed, Mr. Dursley decided to watch the news:

_"And finally, birdwatchers everywhere have reported that the nations owls have been behaving unusually today. Although owls normally hunt at night, and are rarely seen in daylight, there have been hundreds of sightings of these birds flying in every direction. Either the nations birdwatchers have gone gaga, of something mysterious is going on." The newscaster allowed himself a grin. "And now, to Jim McGuffin with the weather. Anymore owl showers tonight, Jim?"_

_ "Well, Ted," said the weatherman, "I don't know about that, but it's not only the owls acting strange today. Viewers as far apart as Kent, Yorkshire, and Dundee have been phoning in to tell me that instead of the rain I promised yesterday, they've ha a downpour of shooting stars! Perhaps some people have been celebrating Bonfire Night early. It's not until next week, folks! But I can promise a wet night tonight!"_

Mr. Dursley froze once again. Mysterious cloaked people, shooting stars, owls in daylight, and a whisper...a whisper of the Potters...

He finally decided he had to tell his wife something, and he cleared his throat as she entered to watch one last soap opera. "Er- um, Petunia, dear- you haven't heard from your sister recently, have you?"

As he had expected, Mrs. Dursley gained that crazy and insane look in her eyes again. "No," she replied sharply. "Why?"

"Funny stuff on the news," Mr. Dursley mumbled. "Owls, people in cloaks, shooting star-"

"_So? _What about it? Get to the point!"she snapped.

"Well...," Mr. Dursley tried to say something, but couldn't. Instead, he asked, "Their son- he would be around Dudley's age now, wouldn't he?"

"I suppose so,"his wife replied.

"What's his name again? Hercules Harrison Potter, isn't it?"

"Harry. Nasty common name, don't you agree?"

All Mr. Dursley could do was nod, and in this same state of fear, he got ready for bed, and fell asleep.

The mysterious cat, however, showed no sign of weariness. In fact, it was half past twelve when it finally moved. A man suddenly appeared on the corner where the cat was watching. He appeared so suddenly, it had seemed he appeared out of nowhere. The cat narrowed it's eyes and twitched it's tail, as if to show annoyance.

The man himself was strange at first sight. He was tall, and very old, judging by the size of his silver beard and hair, which were both long enough to wrap around a small child, not as fat as Dudley. He wore long robes, and a purple cloak that barely touched the ground. His eyes were that bright shade that looked like x-rays, and sparked behind his half-moon spectacles. (Whatever that means.) And his nose was long and crooked, like it had been broken twice (only once). This man, is Albus Dumbledore.

Now, let's skip to the good stuff, shall we?

Dumbledore used a mysterious silver cigarette-lighter-looking-thingamajig to turn off all nearby lights. And the cat transformed int the stern Professor McGonagall.

"Fancy seeing you here, McGonagall," Dumbledore smiled.

"How did you know it was me?" she asked.

"My dear Professor, I've never seen a cat so stern."

She frowned. "It's a habit after teaching all these years."

Dumbledore laughed. "Maybe it's old age! Besides, why aren't you celebrating? I must have past a dozen parties on my way here."

Professor McGonagall sniffed angrily. "They've been blowing their cover, wizards all over. Even the Muggles have noticed _something's _wrong."

"You can't blame them," Dumbledore replied. "We barely ever get the chance to celebrate."

"Then why have you set up your office for a party?"she snapped.

"Professor, the release of the Dark Knight Rises trailer is most certainly a reason to celebrate,"he reasoned. The Professor continued to frown.

Then, she sighed. "I suppose You-Know-Who is really gone, isn't he?"

Dumbledore nodded. "If you are going to talk about him, say his real name. By the way, would you care for a lemon drop?"

McGonagall looked at him like he was crazy. "A wha- Never mind this nonsense. What I really came here to ask was- I mean, are they really dead?" The reason Professor McGonagall was waiting all day long, not even blinking, just so she could talk to to Dumbledore had arrived. "Are Lily and James Potter really dead?"

Dumbledore sighed, then nodded, as McGonagall gasped. "Are the other rumors true? Is it true that Voldemort could not kill the poor innocent boy, Harry?"

Dumbledore nodded again.

"Well, then, if he's not dead, the, where exactly is he?"

At that moment, a large light appeared to be coming closer and closer to the two Wizards, and a giant man, riding a motorcycle drove right in front of them. He was holding a small bundle in his hands.

"Ah. There he is now," Dumbledore smiled, as McGonagall raised an eyebrow.

"Here ya go, Headmaster. I got ter go quickly, and give this bike back ter Sirius. Give Harry me regards, sir,"said the giant, and he flew away, as Dumbledore walked towards numbah four, Privet Drive.

"Wait!," protested Professor McGonagall. "Harry Potter will stay here! These Muggles are the worst kind! Why can't he stay with an ordinary Wizarding family?"

Dumbledore stopped in his tracks, and replied, "If he _is _the child of the Prophecy, I can't have him being conceited, or spoiled. And the blood wards will be sure to protect him. Besides," he smiled, "I have an extra protection."

"Well, how will these Muggles know about their nephew?"

"I will leave them a letter."

McGonagall opened her mouth to protest, but closed it, for she knew better than anyone else that no amount of reason could reach Dumbledore.

He handed the bundled, sleeping child the letter, and left him at the doorstep of the Dursleys. McGonagall crept up behind him, and asked her second-to-last question, "Will he have that scar forever?"

"I'm afraid so," responded Dumbledore. "But do not pity him, for I have a scar on my left knee that is the perfect map of London Underground."

"...And this is relevant _how_?"

"...It made more sense in my head."

The two of them left, but not before Dumbledore muttered a few spells, to keep Muggles away so no one else would take Harry.

A breeze ruffled through Privet Drive, the very last place you would expect magical and strange things to happen. Harry Potter lay in his blanket, not knowing he was _special_, or _f__amous_, or he would be mistreated by a bullying cousin, a fat uncle and a rehabbed aunt. He didn't even know that people all around the world were meeting in bars and raising their glasses, "To Harry Potter, the boy who lived!"

And a random Muggle would ask, "Who's Harry Potter?"

And the wizards would reply,"...BAR FIGHT!"

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**Thank you for reading! Next up, renovated chapter 2, coming to a computer screen near you!**


	2. The Talking Snake

Chapter Two:

The Talking Snake

(This guy had one too many drinks...if he was allowed to drink...)

Nearly ten years have passed since our hero, Harry Potter, was taken captive by the evil, menacing, Dursleys...sort of. No one wanted Harry there (except maybe Dumbledore). Yet Harry was still there, in the cupboard under the stairs. And now, our story officially begins. I know, it began _last_ chapter, but now the_ main_ character comes into play so yay! Hey, that rhymes...

"BOY! GET THE * BEEP * UP!", yelled Aunt Petunia.

Harry jumped, then sighed. Ever since Aunt Petunia went to rehab and took anger management classes, all her anger was directed at one thing: Harry.

He thought of his dream. It was a strange one, about flying motorcycles and... flying monkeys?

"I SAID GET THE * BEEP * UP!"

Groaning, Harry obliged, and walked into the kitchen. His Aunt Petunia was by the oven, frying eggs and bacon. "I want you to look after the bacon. And don't _dare _let it burn. I want everything perfect foe Diddykins birthday!

How could he have forgotten? Like all of Aunt Petunia's anger was directed at himself, all her happiness was directed at... well, you probably know already.

Looking at the table, he suddenly wondered, _Where _was _the table_? It was completely covered by all of Dudley's presents.

It looked as though Dudley got his new computer, a second TV and a racing bike, but since Dudley was so fat, the bike was probably never going to be used.

You all know what Harry looks like, and that he has a lightning shaped scar on his forehead,and his parents supposedly died in "a car crash", and you know that's not true, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Anyway, Fat Uncle (Unc V, or Uncle Vernon) entered the kitchen. "Comb your hair!" he barked. "And give me my salad!"

Harry let out a small chuckle. One of Unc V's employees' bet $500 dollars that Unc V couldn't loose 10 pounds in two months. So far, it didn't seem Unc was getting any skinnier.

He just finished giving Unc a fruit salad, and started on the eggs when Pig-in-a-wig, or Dudley, arrived, and started counting his presents.

"NO! THEY'RE ONLY 36!" he roared, his face turning red.

"Wait! You forgot Aunt Marge's present!" exclaimed Aunty.

"B-b-b-but there's two less!"

Unc made the save this time. " We'll buy you _two_ more presents, okay?" That calmed Dudley down.

At that moment, the phone rang. Aunty went to pick it up, as Harry and Unc watched Dudley unwrap presents.

He was unwrapping a gold wristwatch (which would never fit his wrist) when Aunty returned, looking both angry and worried.

"Bad news, Vernon", she said. "Mrs. Figg broke her leg, and she can't take him." She mouthed Harry's name.

Dudley, who was incredibly dumb, didn't understand, and continued unwrapping gifts. Harry, however completely understood, and was quite happy. You know what goes on at Figg's. If you don't, one word: CATS.

"What should we do know?" she asked.

" We could...um...er...", Unc muttered.

"I could stay here," Harry said loudly. Everyone ignored him. He sighed. Thou he _knew_ they would say no, he _had_ to try.

Suddenly, Dudley caught on, and started wailing loudly, but Harry knew this was fake.

"Dinky Diddykums, Mummy won't let anyone spoil your day!" Aunty cooed, hugging Dudley tightly. Just then, the Door opened, and a small, scrawny, rat like, weirdo kid named Piers entered, along with his mother.

A half an hour later, Dudley and Piers were squishing Harry, but he was still a bit glad. It was the first time anything like this ever happened, ever.

As you know, Unc likes to complain while driving. Today, the topic was motorcycles.

"...roaring along like maniacs, those crazy weirdos," he ranted, a s a motorcycle overtook them.

"I had a dream about flying motorcycles, along with flying monkeys," Harry suddenly remembered.

Unc nearly crashed into the car in front of them. Before he could move,Aunty turned around, and yelled:

"MOTORCYCLES AND MONKEYS DON'T FLY!"

And that was the end of that. Or _was_ it?

At the zoo, Harry had a good time, but he should have known it wouldn't last.

After lunch, they went to the reptile house, and found a large snake, which could have ate Dudley in one bite.

Unluckily, it was asleep.

"Make it move," Dudley ordered Fat Unc. He tapped the glass. No answer. He tried again, but the results stayed the same.

Sighing, Unc left, along with an annoyed Dudley and an angry Piers.

Harry stayed behind, and felt sorry for the poor snake.

Suddenly, it awoke, and it _winked_ at Harry. Harry didn't jump, scream, or anything. He was sure it was just his imagination, since snakes _can't wink_. ( No offense, JKR).

He decided to be polite, and wink back.

Then, the snake jerked his head at Unc, and Dudley, and rolled it's eyes, as if to say, "I get that a lot."

Harry chuckled. "It must be annoying."

The snake nodded.

"Where are you from?" Harry asked it. It pointed to a sign:

** Boa Constrictor, Brazil**

_ This species as bred in the zoo_

Suddenly, a deafening noise behind Harry, which made them both jump. "DUDLEY! MR. DURSLEY! COME LOOK AT THE SNAKE!"

One second, Dudley and Piers leaned up the glass, and another second, the glass just disappeared.

The snake slithered out, as everyone in the reptile house ran out. Harry could have sworn the snake say, "Thanksss, amigo."

Soon, Dudley and Piers told their version of what happened. But the worst part was when Piers said, "Harry was talking to it, weren't you, Harry?"

The moment they came back, Unc took Harry aside, and yelled at him, and then stuttered, " Go-cupboard-stay-no meals."

That night, Harry prayed for the first time in his life. He prayed for a savior.


	3. Letters From Someone

Chapter Three:

Letters From Someone

(A secret admirer, or a creepy stalker, or ..._Ginny_?)

By the time Harry was allowed out of the cupboard, it was already summer vacation.

Dudley had already broke about half of his birthday gifts. He would have to try harder if he wanted to break last year's record.

He, Harry, was glad school was over, but there was no escape from daily torture, Dudley and his gang. A bunch of big, stupid kids, with Dudley their leader. _All_ of them need mental help. Perhaps a therapist? (*wink wink*)

They spent all their time playing their favorite sport: Harry Hunting

That's why Harry spent most of his time outside, hiding. In September, he and Dudley would be going separate ways. Dudley going to a private school, Smeltings, and Harry going to Stonewall High.

At least in school, Harry would have hope of being accepted, without Dudley being there, in the sidelines, torturing him and anyone who would dare think of thinking of thinking of _thinking_ of liking Harry, and for the fact that they can think and Dudley can't.

One day, Dudley said, "They stuff people's heads down the toilet at Stonewall High. Wanna practice?"

"... Undefended kid!" Harry shouted, pointing behind Dudley.

"Where!" he asked, looking behind him, as Harry ran for his life.

Sometime in July, Aunty took Dudley out to buy his Smelting uniform, leaving Harry at Mrs. Figg's house. It was better than usual, and he got to watch TV, instead of wrestling, and the Food Network.

That evening, Dudley wore his new uniform. Unc said gruffly it was the proudest moment in his life. Aunty burst into tears and said she couldn't believe it was her Ickle Diddykins, all grown up. Harry went outside, broke into tears and laughter, and calmly went back inside.

Next morning, something strange, as always, was going on in the kitchen.

_Ugh_, thought Harry. _What the hell is this horrible smell. Uhhh, I think I'm gonna puke!_

The nasty smell was from the tub of a sink. Looking inside, Harry found a bunch of dirty rags swimming in a pool of gray liquids which smelled like urine.

"What _is_ this?" he asked Aunty.

"Your school uniform."

"...Oh. Why is it wet?"

"I'm dying it gray for you. By the time they're done, You'll look just like everyone else."

_If everyone is an old, wrinkly elephant_, thought Harry.

Shortly after, Unc and Duddykins came in, with spare oxygen masks, due to the horrible smell. Unc read the newspaper, as he ate some bacon. Apparently, he lost the bet, and had to give that employee a $500 raise.

Dudley just randomly banged stuff with the Smeltings stick, including himself, Unc, Aunty and _definitely _Harry.

"Get the mail, Dudley," grunted Unc, without looking up.

"Make Harry get it," said Dudley, while bashing Harry.

"Get the mail, Harry."

Harry quickly obliged, eager to get away from Duddlykins.

On the doorstep lay three things, three paths. Well, actually two. There was a postcard from Aunt Marge (path one), some bills (Not like Bill Weasley, sorry fangirls, and this is also path one), and... A LETTER FOR HARRY! (path two).

Harry wondered who would sent him a letter. He had no close friends, or relatives, or anyone. So who?

On the envelope, in emerald ink was written:

_Mr. H. Potter_

_The Cupboard Under The Stairs_

_Number 4 Privet Drive_

_Little Whinging, Surrey_

The letter was unusually heavy and yellow, but didn't smell like his clothes.

Turning the envelope, he saw a purple wax seal bearing a coat of arms (not like a coat made all of arms); a lion, an eagle, a badger and a snake surrounding a large letter "H". H for Harry?

"Hurry up boy!" yelled Unc. "What are you doing, checking for letter bombs?" He chuckled at his own joke. " Pfft...letter bombs...Pfft...good one, Vernon...Pfft..." Aunty grabbed Dudley's stick, and whacked Unc with it, yelling, "Shut up!"

Harry went back into the kitchen, still holding the mysterious letter. He handed Unc the bill and the postcard, and sat down to open the letter.

So, Harry, you chose path two. Good choice. If you chose path one, you would have died. Hahahahaha! That would've destroyed the whole story, right?

Back to the story! Unc flipped over the postcard. "Marge's ill," he informed Aunty. "Ate a funny whelk..."

"Dad! Harry's got a letter!" yelled Duddykins, as he whacked Harry upside the head.

Harry was on the verge of unfolding the letter when Dud whacked him a gain. Before he could say "ouch!" Unc snatched the letter.

Suddenly, his face turned from green to red faster than a person puking in public and being embarrassed about it.

"P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-"

Aunty grabbed Dudley's Smelting stick, and whacked Unc with it, before shrieking in terror.

They both forgot momentarily that Harry and Dudley were in the room, until Dudley started yelling, "I want to read that letter!"

"_I_ want t read it," argued Harry.

"GET THE * BEEP* OUT, BOTH OF YOU!" yelled Unc. Before either of them could protest, Unc grabbed them and threw them out of the kitchen, locking the door, so they can't come back in.

Dudley and Harry had a silent game of "Rock, Paper, Scissors" to see who would listen through the keyhole.

Dud won, and Harry had to lay flat on his stomach and listen through the crack between the door and the floor.

"Vernon, what the _hell_ are we going to do! Do you think they're stalking us!"

"Probably. They might even be watching this instant!"

"So what should we do! We swore to stamp out that nonsense out of him when we took him in!"

"I-I don't know."

Suddenly, Harry heard a lot of whacking and painful crying.

That afternoon, Unc did something crazy: he visited Harry in his cupboard. "Where's my letter! What's going on! Who was it from!" Harry asked the moment Unc opened the door. Since he was too fat, he'd never be able to fit inside the cupboard, so he just sat outside it.

"It was addressed to you by mistake, and I burned it."

"Why'd you burn it if you could just send it back!"

"SHUT UP!" Unc yelled, then took a few deep breathes, and calmed down.

"You're moving into Dudley's second bedroom. End of discussion."

"But-"

"END OF DISCUSSION!"

The Dursleys' had five bedrooms. One for Aunty, one for Unc (since he was too fat to sleep with someone else), one for Aunt Marge, when she visited, One for Dud, and one for the stuff that he broke.

He kept it like a trophy room. His biggest record was all of his presents broken in two weeks, due to a black-out, and him getting angry.

From downstairs, Harry heard a lot of whacks and Dud whining, the usual stuff.

The next morning everyone was silent, due to the events of last night. Dud did everything to try ad get his room back; torture, destroy, and whine, but all failed.

When the mail arrived, Unc tried to be kind to Harry, and said, "Dudley, go get the mail."

"Make Harry get it."

"JUST GET THE FREAKIN' MAIL!"

Dud got up angrily, and went to get the mail, whacking everything in his reach, which wasn't much, since he was too fat to be able to reach anything with his stubby, little arms.

"Hey, there's another one for Mr. H. Potter!"

"Dudley! Give it to me and I'll get you TWO new TVs!" yelled Unc.

"Dudley! Give it to me and I'll let you stuff my head in a toilet twice each day for two WHOLE MONTHS!" yelled Harry, trying to block Unc from reaching Dud, while Unc tried to strangle him.

After a minute of confused fighting, the letter somehow flew to the fireplace and was burnt to a crisp, and not those potato crisps. No, into ashy crisps, and trust me, they _don't_ taste like potatoes.

"DUDLEY! HARRY! GET OUT OF HERE!" yelled Unc. No one dared defy him.

Harry paced his new room. How was he to get the letter? Then, he had two brilliant ideas. One involving marshmallows, peanut butter, socks and a TV. The other, an alarm clock. He decided to go with the simplest idea, the alarm clock one.

His alarm clock beep 6:00 am next morning. Quickly turning it off, Harry tip-toed downstairs to the door. He was going to get the mail before anyone else.

But when he reached the door, he stepped on something big and squishy.

"AHHH! GIANT MUTANT RABID RACCOON!" he yelled, and ran upstairs.

Later, he learned that the "raccoon" was just Unc, camping out on the doorstep to stop Harry.

_Darn_!, he thought. _I should have went with the first idea_!

Unc decided to board up the mail slot,but the letters still poured in. Then, he became even _more_ paranoid, and boarded up every single small crack _anywhere_ in the entire house.

On Saturday, it was even _more_ crazy, if you can believe it. The letters this time came through the eggs. Unc called the post office and the dairy, trying to find someone to complain to, while he shredded the letters in Aunty's food processor.

"Man," Dudley told Harry. "And I thought _Mum _was crazy."

Finally came Sunday. Everyone was tired, ill, and depressed, but Unc was glad. "No stupid letters today!" he yelled cheerfully. At that instant, ironically, thousands of letters flew out of the fireplace, where Unc was coincidentally standing. The shock ripped off half of his mustache.

He pushed everyone out, yelling, "PACK YOUR BAGS WITH SOME CLOTHES! WE'RE LEAVING IN FIVE MINUTES!" No one, again, dared to argue.

Ten minutes and one Smelting stick whipping (on Dud) later, they were in the car, speeding towards the highway. They drove, and drove, and drove and drove. They didn't even stop, not even for Rocky Road ice cream! Oh, the humanity!

Finally, they stopped at a dull, gray hotel. The next morning, as they ate dull, gray cornflakes, the hotel owner came to them.

" 'Scuse me. Is any one 'o you Mr. H. Potter? I got about a 'undred of these at the desk."

Immediately, Unc snatched the bag and threw it in the fire. "Thank you," he said kindly.

They drove some more, then they stopped in the middle of a parking lot. Unc got out and went to someplace. It was silent in the car, until Aunty said, "Never speak of this moment.._ever_." Both children nodded. Suddenly, it started raining,and Unc returned, with a long, thin package. "I found a place to stay, so let's go!"

The went to a strange beach, with a rock at it's center. "Storm forecast tonight, and this gentleman kindly allowed us to use his boat," said Unc, pointing to a sketchy, old hobo-like guy. "I have rations, so all board!"

The boat was freezing cold, and everyone was freezing wet. It was like riding Splash Mountain in the rain, without all the fun.

The hut on the rock was horrible. It smelled like urine, seaweed, and pig. It was like home for Dud and Unc.

Unc's rations were a bag of chips, and four bananas. AS he tried to start a fire, he grinned to himself, while everyone else groaned.

As night fell, the promised storm blew around them. Aunty found some blankets and made a bed for everyone. Dud got the biggest and thickest, to match with himself, and Harry got the smallest and thinnest, to match with _himself_.

The storm raged on,and Harry was too hungry to sleep. Suddenly, Harry realized in five minutes, he would be 11 years old.

Four minutes to go. Maybe he could grab one of the letters from the kitchen, that came out of the fireplace.

Three minutes to go. What was that loud booming noise just now?

Two minutes to go. Was that the sound of a monkey? Or was he just going crazy?

One minute to go. Maybe he should use Unc's shaving cream to play a prank on Dud.

Three...two...one...

OHOH-AHAH!

BOOM!

The whole shack shook. Heh, that sounds funny. I mean, someone was knocking outside to come in, along with some monkeys.


	4. The Keeper of the Monkeys

Chapter Four:

Keeper of the Monkeys

(That's Hagrid for you!)

"OHOH-AHAH!"

BOOM!

The person knocked again. Dud jerked awake. "Where the cappuccinos?"

There was a crash, and Unc skidded out of nowhere, with a tranquilizer gun. A really _long _tranquilizer gun.

"Who's there? If it's a creepy stalker, or just a big guy with some random flying monkeys, I warn you! I have a gun, and I'm mot afraid to use it!" he yelled.

There was silence, then-

BOOM!

The door was hit down with such force, it was surprising that the whole shack didn't explode right then and there.

A giant man stood in the doorway. Behind him, a lot of monkey sounds were heard. He entered, picked up the door, and put it into it's frame, like nothing happened.

"Couldn't make us a cup o' tea, could yeh? And do yeh have bananas? Those monkeys are really hungry."

He strode over to the sofa and sat down to a Dud, who who might have crapped his pants if he had ate something _to_ crap. "Budge over, yeh great marshmallow."

Dud squealed like a little girl and hid behind his mother.

"Hiding behind me isn't going to help," she scolded him, then whacked him with the Smelting stick that randomly appeared.

"An' here's Harry!" said the giant to Harry, who who was just standing there, in shock. "Las' time I saw yeh, you was only a baby. Yeh look a lot like yeh dad, but yeh've got yer mum's eyes."

Unc made a weird sounding cough.

" I demand you leave at once, you madman!" he yelled.

"Yeh got no right sayin' that. Yeh all madmen, yer great prune!" the giant insulted him.

He reached over to Unc's tranquilizer gun, and bent it out of shape as easily a person could bend some clay.

Unc made a squeaky squeal.

"Anyway, Harry," said the giant, turning his attention back to Harry, " a very happy birthday to yeh. Got summat for yeh here- I mighta sat on it at some point, but just as good. I also gotta a message from Professor Snape. He sends his regards and foreshadowing hatred."

Harry was confused, but accepted a box with cake inside from the giant. Psst! Harry! If you don't want it, give it to the narrator, which is me.

He tried to say thank you, but instead said, "You're big."

The giant looked confused. "Aren't cha supposed ter ask 'Who are yeh?'"

"Oh, right. I just was a bit taken aback by your big appearance."

"No problem. Name's Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of Keys. Grounds, and Monkeys at Hogwarts," he said, shaking Harry's hand, and whole body.

Just imagine Charlie Brown looking sick. That was Harry's expression.

"What about tea then, eh?", said Hagrid, rubbing his hands together.

"You're Canadian,then?"

"Huh?"

"Never mind."

Hagrid's eyes fell onto the empty fireplace with some old bags of chips and snorted. He bent down to the fireplace, and a second later, a blazing fire was roaring there. Magic, anyone?

Hagrid sat on the sofa, and began taking stuff out of his pockets: a licorice stick, a rice bag, some chocolate, a lightsaber, a copper kettle, a rope, a mini bench, a cell phone, a ring, an orb, a cherry, a soda can, a package of sausage, a remote controlled car, a small tricycle, a poker, a pack of cards, a teapot, a tie-dye shit, several chipped mugs, a book titled "Star Wars: The Revenge of the Sith", and a bottle of amber liquid.

The giant put everything back except the kettle, the teapot, the poker, the sausages, the chipped mugs and the amber liquid.

He took a chug, not a sip, a _chug_, of the liquid (which smelled like alcohol. Harry should know, since Aunt Petunia was once an addict), before starting to make tea.

Soon, the hut was filled with the smell of sizzling sausages.

Nobody said a thing, as the giant worked, thought the Dursleys eyed Harry angrily, as if the giant coming here was _his _fault.

But as the giant slid the first six sausages from the poker, Dud's hand fidgeted, and he licked his lips. But Unc said sharply, "Don't accept anything the giant offers, Dudley."

Hagrid chuckled. "Yer great turkey of a son don' need fattenin' anymore, Dursley, don' worry."

Hagrid passed the sausages to Harry, who was so hungry, he could have devoured hos blanket. As he ate, he couldn't help staring at Hagrid.

"I'm sorry, but I still don't know who you are."

The giant took a gulp of tea, and wiped his mouth.

"Call me Hagrid," he said, "everyone does. An' like I told yeh, I'm the Keeper of Keys, Grounds and Monkeys at Hogwarts- yeh'll know all about Hogwarts, o' course. Or I'm a barrel o' monkeys. HA!"

"Actually, I don't know anything about Hogwarts."

Hagrid spit all of his tea out onto Unc, who growled. He quickly checked to see if he was a barrel of monkeys.

"Sorry!" Harry said quickly.

"It's not _yeh who_ should be sorry," he barked, turning to stare at the Dursleys, who shrank into the shadows, "it's _them_ tha' should be sorry! I knew yeh weren't getting yeh letters, but I never thought yeh wouldn't even know abou' Hogwarts, fer cryin' out loud! Did yeh never wonder where yer parents learned it all?"

"All what?" asked Harry, clearly confused.

"ALL WHAT?" Hagrid thundered.

"Now wait jus' one second!" Hagrid got up, and turned to face the Dursleys again, who were cowering against the wall.

" Do you mean ter tell me," he growled at the Dursleys, "That this boy- this boy- knows nothin' abou'- about ANYTHING?"

Harry was confused. Why was this social worker angry about _school_? He had been there, and his marks weren't bad. Then, he remembered that this _wasn't_ a social worker, but decided to interrupt anyway.

"I know _some_ things," he said. "I can do math and stuff."

But Hagrid simply waved his hand and said, "About _our _world, I mean. _Your_ world. _My_ world. _Yer parents' world_. '

"What world?"

Hagrid looked like he wanted to kill someone.

"DURSLEY!" he boomed.

Unc, who had gone very pale, mumbled something, like "Keyboard Cat"

Hagrid stared wildly a t Harry. "But yeh must know about yer mom and bad," he said. "I mean, they're _famous_. You're _famous_! For Merlin's sake, Harry! Yeh mus' know _something_!"

"What? My- my mom and dad weren't famous, were they?"

"Yeh don' know...yeh don' know..." Hagrid ran his fingers through his hair, staring at Harry with a bewildered look.

"Yeh don' know who yeh are?" he finally said.

Unc suddenly snapped out of it. "Stop right there, of you're FIRED!"

"I wasn' yer employee!"

"But I just wanted to say that. Anyway, STOP!"

Hagrid turned to face Unc.

"You never told him? Never told him what was in the letter Dumbledore left fer him? I was there! I saw Dumbledore leave it, Dursley! An' you've kept it from him all these years?

"Kept _what_ from me?" asked Harry, secretly happy that Unc was finally getting what he deserved.

"STOP! I FORBID YOU!" yelled Unc, as his last resort.

Aunty gasped in horror.

"Ah, go ter *beep*, both of yeh," said Hagrid. "Harry, yer a wizard."

There was a silence. The only sound was the storm and the sea from outside.

"I'm a _what_?" gasped Harry.

"A wizard, o' course," said Hagrid, sitting back down, "an' a thumpin' good 'un, I'd say, once yeh've been trained up a bit. With a mum an' dad like yours, what else would yeh be? An' I reckon it's abou' time yeh read yer letter.

Hagrid handed a letter, addressed to _Mr. H. Potter, The Floor, Hut-on-the-Rock, The Sea_. He pulled the letter out and read:

_HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY_

_ Headmaster: ALBUS DUMBLEDORE_

_ (Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International Confederation of Wizards)_

_ Dear Mr. Potter, _

_ We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all the necessary books and equipment._

_ Term begins on September 1__st__. We await your owl no later than July 31__st__._

_ Yours sincerely,_

_ Minerva McGonagall,_

_ Deputy Headmistress_

Questions exploded in Harry's mind, and he couldn't decide what to ask first. Finally, he asked, "Mistress, like Tiger Wood's mistresses?"

"Huh?" responded Hagrid.

"...OK... What do they mean, they await my owl?"

"Galloping Gorgons! Hat reminds me!" He whistled, and yelled, "Perry!" Then a single monkey with wings entered the hut through the window.

Hagrid pulled out a long quill, and a roll of parchment. He scribbled a note that read:

_Dear Professor Dumbledore,_

_ Given Harry his letter._

_ Taking him to buy his things tomorrow. Weather's horrible. Hope you're well._

_ Hagrid_

_ P.S. Tell McGonagall to improve her handwriting, and that I hate her. And tell Professor Snape I passed on the message._

Hagrid rolled up the note, handed it to the flying monkey, and it flew out into the storm.

Harry realized his mouth was open, and that he was drooling, so he quickly closed it, and wiped the drool off.

"Now where was I?" wondered Hagrid, but then Unc came into the light.

"He's not going." he grunted.

" I'd like ter see a Muggle like you try and stop him," said Hagrid.

"A what?" asked Harry.

"A Muggle," said Hagrid, "it's what we call non-magical folk, like them. An' it's your bad luck you grew up in a family o' the biggest Muggles I ever laid eyes on."

"We swore to stamp out that nonsense, or metaphorically die trying!" yelled Unc.

"You _knew_?" yelled Harry.

"KNEW!" shriek Aunty suddenly. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at her.

"Uh-oh, now you did it," muttered Unc to Harry.

"KNEW!" she shrieked again. "I HATED HER! SHE RUINED MY LIFE! SHE DID ALL SORTS OF CRAZY STUFF! DID MY PARENTS PUNISH HER! DID THEY DO ANYTHING? NOOO! THEY WERE SO PROUD!"

She went on and on and on, until they all decided just to ignore her, before she said, " AND THEN SHE GOT HERSELF BLOWN UP, AND WE GOT LANDER WITH _YOU_!"

"Crazy Aunt say what?" said Harry.

"I said-"

"I know what you said! But before, you said my parents died in a car crash!"

It was Hagrid's turn to yell.

"A CAR CRASH!" he roared. " How could a car crash kill Lily an' James Potter? It's an outrage! A scandal! A conspiracy! WTF?"

"But what happened?" asked Harry.

Hagrid's face turned from anger to anxious.

"I never expected this. But yer gotta know. I'll tell you as much as I can tell yeh- mind, I can't tell yeh everythin', it's a great myst'ry, parts of it.

"It begins, I suppose, with- with a person called- but it's incredible yeh don't know his name. I'm only gonna say it once. _Voldemort._"

"Voldy-poo?"

"No! Voldemort! Now, on with the story. This wizard. About 20 years ago, was really evil, and went lookin' fer followers. He was takin' over. 'Course, some stood up to him- an' he killed 'em.

"Then, for some reason, he went ter your parent's house, on Halloween ten years ago. You was just a year old.

"And he- he- he killed 'em. But the real myst'ry is that he tried to kill yeh too. But he couldn't. Never wondered how yer got tha' scar? That's what yeh get-"

"What you let your heart win?"

"No! That's what yeh get when a powerful, evil curse touches yeh. He killed millions o' people, but not yeh. That's why yer famous, Harry."

"Load of poo!" yelled Unc. Harry had almost forgotten the Dursleys were there.

"Listen here, boy! I know you are a cray weirdo, and so were your parents1 But-" he yelled.

At that moment, Hagrid pulled out a pink umbrella(-ella) and pointed it at Unc.

"Shut up."

Unc immediately obliged.

"Um, Hagrid, what happened to Voldy- I mean, You-Know-Who?" asked Harry.

"I dunno. He just disappeared. But there's somethin' abou' that night that he hadn't counted on- no one knows what- but somethin' about you stumped him."

Harry then thought about him being a wizard. But how? He'd spent all his life being tortured by a fat uncle, a bullying cousin, and a rehabbed aunt. If he _was_ a wizard ( which he highly doubted), why didn't they all just explode of something?

"Hagrid, I think you made a mistake. How could _I_ be a wizard?" he asked hagrid quietly.

To his surprise, Hagrid chuckled.

"Not a wizard, eh? Never made weird things happen when you were scared, or angry?"

Harry thought for a moment. True, a lot of odd stuff had happened that he couldn't explain.

He looked back at Hagrid and smiled.

"See?" said Hagrid. "Harry Potter, not a wizard- you wait, you'll be famous at Hogwarts."

Not if Unc had anything to say about it.

"Haven't I told you he's not going! He's going to Stonewall High!"

"Harry's off ter the finest school of witchcraft and wizardry in the world. Seven years there and he won't know himself. He'll be with youngsters of his own sort, fer a change, an' he'll be under the greatest headmaster Hogwarts ever had Albus Dumbled-"

"I AM NOT PAYING SOME STUPID GUY TO TEACH HIM SOME MAGIC!"

Finally, he had gone too far. Hagrid seized his umbrella,and waved it at Dudley. There was a cry, and Dud was holding his but, where a curly pig tail was sticking out.

Unc roared. He puled Aunty and Dud into the next room, and slammed the door.

Hagrid stroked his beard, and looked at Harry.

" Be grateful if yeh didn' mention that ter anyone at Hogwarts. I'm-er- not supposed ter use magic, since I got expelled in me third year. Snapped my wand an' everythin'. But Dumbledore et me stay as gamekeeper. Now we got ter go, lots ter buy!"

And they both stepped out.


	5. Diado I mean, Diagon Alley

Chapter Five:

Diado- I mean, Dia_gon_ Alley

Harry woke up, but kept his eyes closed. He thought about what just happened, and was skeptical.

_It was a dream_, he thought. _I dreamed that a giant called Hagrid told me I was a wizard, and Dud had a pig's tail, which could be possible, but I passed out in front of the door, and I usually do that in my dreams... _Does_ Dud have a pig tail?_

Suddenly, there was aloud tapping noise.

_Great, even on a rock, Aunty manages to tap me awake...unless that part was also a dream. Probably._

But he wanted to dream a bit longer, before facing the harsh, cold, truth of reality.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

"Alright, alright," mumbled Harry, particularly to no one. "I'm getting up."

He sat up, and Hagrid's coat fell off of him, as Harry gasped.

The hut was filled with sunlight, and it seemed as though the Dursley's were afraid Hagrid was still there, and didn't wake up yet.

On the window, from the outside, an owl was tapping the window with it's claws, a newspaper in it's beak.

_That's one trained owl_, thought Harry.

He quickly opened the window, and the owl swooped down, dropped a newspaper on Hagrid, and began attacking his coat.

Harry tried to wave the owl out of the way, but it it bit him, and went on attacking the coat,

"Hagrid! There's an owl! What do I do?" yelled Harry.

"Pay him," said Hagrid, as if it was obvious.

"What?"

"He wants payin' fer deliverin' the paper. Look in the pockets."

Hagrid's coat was pretty much _made_ of pockets- keys, monkey treats, a pack of cards, some chocolate, a golden ring, a lightsaber, a ball of string, a roll of duck tape...finally, Harry pulled out a handful of coins.

"Give him five Knuts," said Hagrid sleepily.

"Nuts! Why didn't you tell me earlier! I was searching for some coins!" said Harry.

"I mean the little bronze coins."

"Oh," said Harry as he put five bronze coins into a pouch around the owl's neck.

Then, it flew out, probably thinking about how he would deserve a raise in treats, due to these crazy wizards.

Hagrid yawned and stretched.

"Best be off, Harry. Lots ter do today, gotta get up ter London an' buy all yer stuff fer school."

Harry looked at the coins, remembered something from last night, and suddenly felt glum.

"Um- Hagrid? How am I going to pay for...well..._everything_? I don't have any money, and Uncle Vernon won't pay for anything!" complained Harry.

"Don't worry about that," said Hagrid after he put his boots on. "D'yeh think yer parents didn't leave yeh anything?"

"But if their house was destroyed, then-"

"Yeh think they kept all their money in their house? Nah, first stop fer us is Gringotts. Wizards' bank."

"What the- Wizards have _banks_?"

"What'cha think, we were crazy? We've got only one. Gringotts. Run by goblins.

"What the freak! _Goblins_?"

"Yeah," said Hagrid, grabbing some of Harry's birthday cake. "So yeh'd be mad ter try and rob it, I'll tell yeh that. Never mess with goblins, Harry.

"Gringotts is the safest place in the world fer anything yeh want ter keep safe- 'cept perhaps Hogwarts. As a matter of fact, I gotta get summat fer Dumbledore from Gringotts." Hagrid grinned, like he knew an inside joke about this.

They both went outside, where Harry saw that the storm had stopped, and the boat Unc had got was still there.

"How did you get here?" asked Harry, looking around for another boat.

"Oh, I flew, alongside with the monkeys," said Hagrid.

"_Flew_? _With monkeys_?"

"Yeah, but we'll go back in this. Not s'pposed ter use magic now that I've got yeh. Besides, the monkeys left. An' stop speakin' in italics. Hurts my ears."

"Sorry," said Harry, as they both settled into the boat. Harry stared at Hagrid, trying to imagine him flying alongside the flying monkey he saw yesterday.

"Seems a shame ter row though," said Hagrid, giving a second thought about using magic. "If I was ter- uh... speed things up a bit, would yeh mind not mentioning it at Hogwarts?"

"Of course not!" Harry said quickly, eager to see magic.

Hagrid tapped the side of the boat with his pink umbrella(-ella) and they sped off to land.

"So, why would you be mad to try and rob Gringotts?"

"Spells- enchantments," said Hagrid, while he opened up a newspaper. "They say there's dragons guardin' the high security vaults. Plus, It's deep under the Underground. Yeh'd die of hunger tryin' ter get out, even if yeh manage ter get yer hands on summat."

Harry tried to sort out his thoughts while Hagrid read the newspaper, but he couldn't. There were too many questions that he needed answering.

"Ministry o' Magic messing things up again," said Hagrid, turning the page.

"_Ministry of Magic_?"

"I told yeh ter stop speakin' in italics! Course there's a Ministry o' Magic!" said Hagrid. "They wanted Dumbledore fer Minister, but he'd never leave Hogwarts, so Cornelius got the job. And what a dunderhead, that one. He pelts Dumbledore with owls every morning, askin' fer advice."

"What does the Ministry do?"

"Well, their main job is to keep it fro Muggles that wizard an' witches still exist."

"Why?"

"_Why_? Harry, they'd be wantin' answers ter all their problems; stupid stuff, like getting the car to fly. Nah, we're best left alone."

Suddenly, they both realized that the boat had stopped moving a while ago. Hagrid folded up his newspaper, and they walked up the stone steps onto the sidewalk.

Everyone kept staring at Hagrid, like he was a big giant, which he was. Plus, he kept on pointing at ordinary objects, and saying, "See that, Harry? Things these Muggles dream up, eh?", which made everyone scoot away a couple of inches.

"Hagrid," said Harry panting as he tried to keep up, "did you say there are _dragons_ at Gringotts?"

"Well, that's the rumor. Crikey, I'd like a dragon."

"Crikey? You're Australian?"

"Huh?"

"Never mind. Anyway, you'd _like _dragon?"

"Wanted one ever since I was a kid- here we are."

They had reached the station. There was a train to London in five minutes. Hagrid, who didn't understand "Muggle money" gave the bills to Harry so he could buy their tickets.

People stared even more at the train. Hagrid took up two seats, and was knitting what looked like a circus tent. Everyone within three seats had scooted away in fright.

"Still got yeh letter, Harry?" he asked.

Harry took out the parchment envelope out of his pocket.

"Good, there's a list of all the stuff yeh need."

Harry unfolded a second piece of paper he hadn't noticed yesterday, and read, :

_HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY_

_UNIFORM_

_First-year students will require:_

_ sets of plain black robes (black)_

_ plain pointed hat (black) for day wear_

_ pair of protective gloves (dragon hide or similar)_

_ winter coat (black, silver fastenings)_

_Please note that all pupils' clothes should carry name tags._

_COURSE BOOKS_

_All students must have a copy of each of the following:_

_The Standard Book of Spells (Grade 1) by Miranda Goshawk_

_A History of Magic by Bathilda Bagshot_

_Magical Theory by Adalbert Waffling_

_A Beginner's Guide to Transfiguration by Emeric Switch_

_One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi by Phyllida Spore_

_Magical Drafts and Potions by Arsenius Jigger_

_Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them by Newt Scamander_

_The Dark Forces: A Guide to Self-Protection by Quentin Trimble_

_OTHER EQUIPMENT_

_1 wand_

_1 cauldron (pewter, standard size 2)_

_1 set of glass of crystals phials_

_1 telescope set_

_1 brass scales_

_Students may bring an owl OR a cat OR a toad_

_PARENTS ARE REMINDED THAT FIRST TEARS ARE NOT ALLOWED THEIR OWN BROOMSTICKS_

"Um, Hagrid, two questions,"said Harry, pocketing the paper.

"What, Harry?"asked Hagrid.

"'1 brass _scales_'? Why say one if there are more than one?"

"...I don' really know."

"And can we find all of this in London?"

Hagrid's eyes twinkled. "If yeh know where to go."

Harry had never been to London. The Dursleys never bothered, and left him at Mrs. Figg's.

Although Hagrid knew the way, there were many..."problems" down the road. Hagrid got in the ticket barrier on the Underground, and complained how the seats were too small (he sat on four) and how the train was too slow (the train was going at maximum speed).

"I don't know how the Muggles manage without magic," said Hagrid as they climbed an elevator that mysteriously broke down while thy were walking on it, that led up to a bustling road lined with shops.

Hagrid was so huge, people automatically moved aside. All Harry had to do was hold on to one of Hagrid's pockets.

They passed book shops, music stores, hamburger restaurants, and cinemas, but nowhere where you'd think someone could buy a wand, or a bank that has wizard money, or anything!

_What if the Dursleys were playing a big joke on him_?, thought Harry. Then, he laughed. _The day the Dursleys have a sense of humor will be the day Unc doesn't weigh 500 lbs._

"This is it," said Hagrid, stopping, "the Leaky Cauldron. It's a famous place."

It was a tiny, grubby-looking pub. But no one else seemed to notice it. They just passed by it, as if it didn't exist. Harry suddenly felt like he was crazy.

Before Harry could say anything, Hagrid had steered him inside. Ha, that's a funny mental picture.

The pub was grubby-looking inside, too. A few women were sitting in a corner, drinking tiny glasses of sherry (he knew this, of course, since Aunty was an addict, but you already know that!).

One of them was smoking a long pipe. A weird walnut-looking guy was talking to the bartender, who looked like he needed to retire.

Everyone seemed like they knew Hagrid, and waved at him._ Does _everyone _know Hagrid? _thought Harry.

The bartender reached for glass and asked, "The usual, Hagrid? Or a quick shot of sake?"

"Can't, Tom, I'm on Hogwarts business," said Hagrid, patting Harry's shoulder; the shock nearly made him fall.

"Oh, my Lord," said the bartender, staring at Harry, like he was the weirdest thing since Palpatine was a cross dresser. "Is this- can it be- ?"

The Leaky Cauldron had gone completely silent. No one moved or spoke. It was as if they all were playing the statue game.

"Bless my mother's uncle!" whispered the old bartender. "Harry Potter... what an honor."

He hurried out from behind the bar, rushed towards Harry, and seized his hand, like it was a delicious bar of candy.

Harry was stunned, since he never felt any attention. Everyone in the bar was staring at him. The old woman with a pipe was puffing on it, without realizing it had gone out.

"Welcome back Mr. Potter, welcome back."

"But I never left-"

Suddenly, there was a great scrapping of chairs, and soon, Harry was shaking hands with everyone in the Leaky Cauldron.

"Doris Crockford, Mr. Potter. I can't believe I'm meeting you at last. Oh, wait tell I tell my grandchildren!"

"So proud, Mr. Potter, I'm just so proud. May I take a picture?"

"Always wanted to shake your hand- oh, I'm all of a flutter."

"Delighted, Mr. Potter, just can't tell you, Diggle's the name, Dedalus Diggle."

"Hey, I know you before! You were following me to a shop, and when I left, you bowed to me. Then my aunt ran away quickly, screaming 'STALKER!'. It's kind of embarrassing, actually." said Harry.

"He remembers me!" he yelled, looking around at everyone.

Harry continued shaking hands, and taking pictures. People just kept coming back for more, like man-eating piranhas.

Soon, a pale, creepy man came up to Harry, one of his eyes were twitching.

"Ah, Professor Quirrell!," said Hagrid. "Harry, Professor Quirrell will be one of your teachers at Hogwarts."

_If this is what one teacher looks like, I wonder how the rest of them are... probably gay, or psychopaths_, thought Harry.

"P-P-P-P-Potter," stammered Professor Quirrell, like it took all of his energy to say just one word, "c-c-c-can't tell you how p-p-p-pleased I am to meet you."

"What sort of magic do you teach, Professor?"

"D-D-Defense Against the D-Dark A-Arts," he muttered, looking like he didn't want to think about it. "N-Not that you n-need it, eh, P-P-Potter?" he laughed nervously.

"So _you're_ Canadian?"

"N-No, I b-believe that I'm B-British."

"Oh..."

"W-Well be g-getting all your equipment, I suppose? I've g-got to p-pick up a new b-book on gay vampires, m-myself," said Quirrell, looking terrified at the thought. I would be terrified, too.

But the others wouldn't let Professor Quirrell have Harry all by himself, and soon, Harry found himself shaking hands, and taking photos. Finally, Hagrid grabbed Harry, and told the crowd, "Must get on- lots ter buy."

Hagrid led them outside the bar and to a walled courtyard, where there was just some trash cans, and weeds.

Hagrid beamed at Harry.

"Told yeh, didn't I? Told yeh you was famous! Even Professor Quirrell was tremblin' ter meat yeah- bu he's usually tremblin' so that doesn' count."

"Is he always nervous?"

"Oh yeah. Poor bloke. Brilliant mind. He was fine studyin' outta books, but then he took a year off ter get some firsthand experience...They say he met some gay vampires in the black forest, and there was a nasty bit o' trouble with a musical hag- never been the same since. Scared of the students, scared of his own subject- now, where's me umbrella?"

_Gay vampires? Musical hags? What the-_, thought Harry. His head was spinning. Hagrid, meanwhile, was counting bricks. _Why is Hagrid counting bricks?_

"Three up... two across..." he muttered. "Right, stand back, Harry."

He tapped the wall three times with the point of his umbrella.

Suddenly, the brick he tapped quivered, then suddenly, all the bricks started moving, until there was a big Hagrid sized hole leading to a street lined with shops and people.

"Welcome," said Hagrid, "to Diado- I mean, Dia_gon_ Alley."

He grinned over Harry's shoulder, and they stepped through the archway. Harry looked quickly over his shoulder, and saw that the archway had disappeared, replaced by the brick wall it had used to be.

The sun shone brightly over the nearest shop. Cauldrons- All Sizes- Copper, Brass, Pewter, Silver- Self-Stirring- Collapsible, said a sign hanging over them.

_They have a whole shop devoted to_ cauldrons?, thought Harry. _And who wants a cauldron that is capable of breaking_? _That's crazy_!

"Yeah, you'd be needing one," said Hagrid, "but we gotta get yer money first."

Harry wished he had eyes all over his body, so he could see all the things around him: the shops, the people outside the shops, what was inside the shops, what was inside the people outside the shops, and stuff like that.

A plump woman (not as plump as Unc) outside the Apothecary was shaking her head, muttering like Aunty saying, "Dragon liver, sixteen Sickles an ounce, they're mad..."

A bunch of odd noises were coming from a dark, almost sketchy looking shop with a sign saying Eeylops Owl Emporium- Tawny, Screech, Barn, Brown, and _Snowy_.

At another shop, several boys had their noses pressed against a window with broomsticks in it. "Look," Harry heard one of them say, "the new Nimbus Two Thousand- fastest ever-"

_Why are kids interested in cleaning supplies_? Harry wondered.

There were shops selling robes, telescopes and strange silver instruments Harry never saw before, windows stacked with barrels of... bat spleens and eels' eyes. How Harry knew this, I don't know.

"Gringotts," said Hagrid.

"Gesundheit?"

"No, I mean we're here."

They had reached a _snowy_ _white_ (seriously, it seems so obvious now) building that towered over the other little shops. Standing beside its burnished bronze doors, wearing a uniform of scarlet and gold (this is also sort of obvious), was...

"Yeah, that's a goblin," said Hagrid, as Harry stared at it, wide-eyed, as they walked up the white stone steps toward him.

The goblin was a head shorter than Harry, since Harry was a midget, and goblins are mini-midgets. But, no offense.

The goblin had a swarthy, clever face, a pointed beard and very long fingers and feet. Again, Harry knew this somehow, even though the goblin was wearing shoes. The goblin bowed as they walked inside.

Now they were facing _another_ door, silver this time, with words engraved on it:

_ Enter, stranger, but take heed_

_ Of what awaits the sin of greed,_

_ For those who take, but do not earn,_

_ Must pay dearly in their turn._

_ So if you seek beneath our floors_

_ A treasure that was never yours,_

_ Thief, you have been warned, beware_

_ Of finding more than treasure there._

"So, they just put up a whole other door just to give us a _poem_?" asked Harry. Hagrid did not answer.

They opened the door, and entered a vast marble a hundred goblins were sitting on the tallest stools Harry had ever seen in his life, _behind _one long, huge counter. Once again, Harry has no idea how he sees stuff when normal people can. Do you think- nah, that can't happen...or can it?

_Why have such high counters and stools when you can have small counters and stools_?, thought Harry.

There were hundreds of doors leading off in many different directions, with more goblins coming out of them.

Hagrid and Harry made for a goblin that seemed to be the right guy to talk to.

"Morning," said Hagrid. "We've come ter take some money outta Mr. Harry Potter's safe."

Harry suddenly felt a gleam of pride. He had never been called "Mister" before. Little did he know...

"You have his key?"

"Got it here somewhere," said Hagrid, taking a handful of dog biscuits out of his pocket and onto the goblin's book of numbers.

The goblin gave Hagrid an Aunty look, but Hagrid didn't seem to notice as he took out a lot of other, unrelated stuff.

"Got it," said Hagrid, at last, holding up a tiny golden key.

Hagrid handed it to the goblin, then while the goblin examined it, he put everything back inside his pockets.

"That seems to be in order," commented the goblin.

"An' I've also got a letter here from Professor Dumbledore," said Hagrid, smiling smugly, and throwing out his chest. "It's about the you-know-what in vault seven hundred and thirteen."

The goblin read the letter carefully.

"Very well," he said, handing the letter back to Hagrid. "I will have someone take you down to both vaults. Griphook!"

Suddenly, a goblin appeared, wearing somethings that a gangster would be proud of.

"Take that ridiculous outfit off and escort them to their vaults!" yelled the goblin.

"Griphook sighed, and soon came back, ready to escort them. They followed him through one of the doors, and into a hallway.

"Hagrid, what's the you-know-what in vault seven hundred and thirteen?" Harry asked.

"Can't tell yeh that," said Hagrid mysteriously. "Very secret. Hogwarts business. Dumbledore's trusted me. More'n my job's worth ter tell yeh that." Which made Harry more anxious to find out.

Suddenly, they entered a narrow passageway, lit with flaming torches. This reminded Harry of a movie Dud had watched, called "The Mummy". It had made Dud pee his pants, which wasn't really hard.

The hallway slopped steeply downward, and there were little railway tracks on the floor. Griphook whistled, and suddenly, like a dog comes to it's master, a cart appeared in front of them.

They climbed in- but when Hagrid was about to, the cart magically expanded, as if it knew what was coming. Soon, they were off.

At first, they just hurtled through a maze of twisting passages. Harry tried to remember, then he got bored.

The cart seemed to know it's own way, because Griphook wasn't steering. "I don't have a license," he said when Harry asked him why he wasn't steering.

Harry's eyes stung as the cold air rushed passed them, Once, he saw a large burst of fire and tried to see if it was a dragon, but the cart was too fast.

They plunged even deeper, passing an underground lake where huge stalactites and stalagmites were hanging from the ceiling and floor.

Soon, Harry got even more bored, and decided to talk to Hagrid.

"I never know," yelled Harry to Hagrid over the noise of the cart, "what's the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite?"

"Stalagmite's got an 'm' in it," said Hagrid. "An' don' ask me questions just now, I think I'm gonna be sick."

Hagrid looked so sick, it almost made Harry sick just by looking at him.

When the cart finally stopped and they got off, Hagrid held on to the wall to stop his knees from shaking. "Sometimes, Harry," said Hagrid, "I think yer got ADHD."

"What's AHA- oh, look, a rock!"

Griphook unlocked the door while Hagrid and Harry continued their discussion. A lot of green smoke came billowing out, as it cleared, Harry gasped. Inside the vault were mounds of gold coins, columns of silver. Heaps of little bronze Knuts.

"All yours," said Hagrid.

All Harry's- it was like he could buy the Miami Heat (now that LeBron's in it, they're probably more expensive) and still have enough money to buy 68 PS3s, 52 Wiis, and 47 X-BOX 360s. Plus 25 iPads, 73 iPhones, the Los Angles Lakers, and 80 3DS'. Dang that's a lot of money.

Hagrid helped Harry pile some into a bag.

"The gold ones are Galleons," he explained. "Seventeen silver Sickles to a Galleon and twenty-nine Knuts to a Sickle, it's easy enough."

_How is that easy_? _That's hard_!, thought Harry.

"Right, that should be enough fer a couple o' terms, we'll keep the rest safe fer yeh." Hagrid turned to Griphook. "Vault seven hundred and thirteen, now, please, and can we go more slowly?"

"One speed only," Griphook responded.

"I thought so," muttered Hagrid.

They were going even deeper now, and gathering speed. The air became increasingly colder as they hurtled around corners. They went rattling over an underground ravine, and Harry was curious, for some strange reason, as to what was down at the dark bottom, but Hagrid stopped him in the nick of time, saying, "I told yeh I think yeh got ADHD."

"But what's AH- ooh! Look! A dark hole!"

Hagrid groaned, saving Harry once again.

When they reached the vault, Harry was surprised to see there was no keyhole.

"Stand back," said Griphook warningly. He gently stroked the door with one of his fingers, and the door started to simply melt away.

"If anyone else besides a Gringotts goblin tried to do that, they would be sucked through the door and trapped in there," said Griphook.

"How often do you check to see if anyone's inside?" asked Harry.

"Once every 10 years," replied Griphook, with a grin.

"Lovely," groaned Hagrid.

Harry leaned forward to see what was inside the vault. Half of him expected gold and jewels, while the other half expected something evil and cursed.

At first, Harry thought the vault was empty, but then he noticed the small, scruffy looking package.

"Come on, back into the ruddy cart, and don't talk to me on the way back. It's best if I keep me mouth shut," said Hagrid, gulping.

One crazy cart ride later, they stood outside of Gringotts.

Harry didn't know where to go first, now that he had more money than Unc would ever receive even if he lost 100 lbs., which would never happen.

"Might as well get yer uniform," said Hagrid, pointing towards Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions.

"Oh, an' Harry," said Hagrid. "Would yeh mind if I slipped off fer a pick-me-up at the Leaky Cauldron? Those Gringotts cart rides make me sick."

Hagrid did seem to be sick, so Harry entered Madam Malkin's shop alone, while Hagrid yelled, "Stay out of trouble!" and walked away, muttering, "With ADHD, yeah right."

Madam Malkin was a witch dressed all dressed in blue, like a big witch-sized blueberry.

"Hogwarts, dear?" she asked before Harry could speak. "Got the lot here- another young man being fitted up right now, in fact."

Harry, who had no idea what the witch meant, followed her to the back of the shop, where another young boy with a pale, pointed face was standing on a footstool, while a second witch pinned up his long, black robes.

Madam Malkin stood Harry on a stool next to them, slipped a long robe over his head, and began to pin it to the right length.

"Hello," said the boy next to Harry. "Hogwarts, too?"

"Yes," said Harry, not eager to start a conversation, but the boy continued.

"My father's next door buying my books, and my mother's up the street, looking for wands," he said in a bored, drawling voice. "Then, I'm going to drag them off to look at racing brooms. I don't see why first years can't get their own brooms. I'll just bully my father into buying one and smuggle it in!...Somehow."

Harry had lost interest in the conversation, and was looking at the different robes in the shop, until the boy asked him, "Have you got a broom?"

"No," replied Harry.

"Play Quidditch at all?"

"No," said Harry. _What the heck is _Quidditch? he thought.

"I do- Father says that I should definitely get to play on the house team, or he'll sue the school. Know what house you'll be in yet?"

"...No," said Harry, starting to loose interest in the conversation and respect for the boy.

"Well, no one really knows until they get there, but I bet I'll be in Slytherin- imagine being in Hufflepuff, I'd think I'd leave, wouldn't you?"

"Um...sure," said Harry absentmindedly, looking at all the robes again.

"OMG, look at that guy!" the boy suddenly yelled, pointing to the front window. Everyone automatically turned there.

Hagrid was there, holding two large ice cream cones.

"That's Hagrid," Harry told the boy, glad that he knew something that the boy didn't.

"Oh, I've heard of him. He's a bit of a crazy maniac, isn't he?"

"He's the gamekeeper," Harry said. He was staring to dislike the boy.

"Yes, exactly," the boy said, not paying attention to Harry's tone of voice or angry looks. "I hears he's sorta _savage_- lives in a hut, gets drunk, sets is house on fire, the usual crazy stuff."

"Well..well..I think he's awesome!"said Harry, trying to defend Hagrid.

"Do you?" replied the boy with a slight sneer. "Why is he with you? Where are your parents?"

"They're dead,"said Harry. He didn't want to go in subject with this boy.

"Oh, sorry," said the boy, sounding completely the opposite. "But they were _our_ kind, weren't they?"

"They were a witch and wizard, if that's what you mean...That _is_ what you mean, right?"

"I don't think they should let the other sort in, do you? They're just not the same, they've never been brought up to know our ways. Some of them have never even heard of Hogwarts until they get the letter, imagine. I think they should keep it in old wizarding families. What's your surname, anyway?"

Harry was saved from answering when Madam Malkin said, "That's you done, my dear," and Harry got off the stool and went towards the door.

"Well, I'll see you at Hogwarts," said the racist boy.

Harry was rather quiet as he ate his ice cream (chocolate and raspberry with chopped nuts, yum yum!).

"What's wrong, Harry? Yer unusually quiet fer someone with ADHD," said Hagrid.

"I'm fine," Harry lied. "But what the heck is A- Ooh! Look, a shop!"

They stopped to buy parchment and quills. Harry cheered up when he brought some cool inks, like invisible inks (appear only by licking it, and comes in 20 different flavors), mood inks(reads the mood of who's holding it, and changes into that color) and more.

When they left the shop, Harry asked, "Hagrid, what's Quidditch?"

"Blimey, Harry, I keep forgettin' how little yeh know- not knowin' about Quidditch!"

"Don't make me feel worse, the boy in the shop already did," said Harry, and he went on to tell Hagrid what happened in the shop.

"-and he said people from Muggle families shouldn't even be allowed in-"

"Yer not _from_ a Muggle family! If he'd known who yer where, you'd have a crazy fanboy in yer hands! He's grown up knowin' yer name, an' thinks yer the greatest hero ever, if his parents were wizardin' folk! You saw what everyone in the Leaky Cauldron did when they found out you were there!

Anyway, what does he know about it, some o' the best I saw were the only one with magic in 'em in a long line o' Muggles.- look at yer mum! Look at what she had fer a sister!

"But, what is_ Quidditch_?"

"Were yeh payin' attention ter me at _all_?"

"...Yes... But can you just answer my question?"

"It's our sport. Wizard sport. It's like- like soccer in the Muggle world- everyone follows Quidditch- played up in the air on broomsticks and there's four balls- sorta hard ter explain the rules."

"And what are Slytherin and Hufflepuff?"

"School house-"

"The school has _houses_?"

"Sorta hard ter explain. There's four. Everyone says Hufflepuff are a lot o' duffers, but-"

"I bet I'll be in Hufflepuff," Harry said glumly.

"Better Hufflepuff than Slytherin," Hagrid said darkly. "Not a single went bad an' wasn't in Slytherin. You-Know-Who was one."

"What the- Voldy- I mean, You-Know-Who went to Hogwarts?"

"Years an' years ago," said Hagrid.

_Does_ everyone_ go to Hogwarts_?, thought Harry.

They bought Harry's books at a place called Flourish and Blotts, where apparently, _everyone_ got there books from. Books as large as paving stones bound in leather; books the size of postage stamps (who'd buy those, beside a mouse?) with covers of silk; books full of peculiar symbols and books filled with... nothing, really.

Hagrid had to literally drag Harry away from _Curses and Countercurses (Bewitch Your Friends and Befuddle Your Enemies with the Latest Revenges: Hair Loss, Jelly Legs, Tongue-Tying and Much, Much, More) _by Professor Vindictrus Viridian.

"I wanted to curse Dudley!" Harry said.

"I'm not sayin' that's not a bad idea, he could use a pair of ears, but yer not allowed ter use magic out in the Muggle except in very special circumstances," said Hagrid. "An' anyway, yeh couldn' work any of them curses yet, yeh'll need a lot more studyin' before yeh get ter that level."

Hagrid wouldn't let him buy a solid gold cauldron, either("Why not? It's shiny!"asked Harry, "It says pewter on yer list.") but they got a cool lava lamp-like scales for weighing potions ingredients and a collapsible brass telescopes. But don't worry, it doesn't fall.

Then, they visited the Apothecary, which was awesome, and made up for it's horrible smell; if Twilight and Justin Beiber came in Eau de Parfum form, this is what they would smell like.

Barrels of slimy stuff stood on the floor; jars of herbs, dried roots, and bright powders lined the walls; bundles of feathers, strings of fangs, and a bunch of other weird, but cool stuff lined the shop.

While Hagrid bought the supplies, Harry examined some unicorn horns at twenty-one galleons each. _That's a rip-off_!, thought Harry.

Outside the store, Hagrid checked Harry's list again. "Just yer wand left- A yeah, an' I still haven't got yeh a birthday present."

"You don't h-have to!" Harry said quickly. The truth was, he really wanted a present, but he had, er... "issues" with the Dursleys involving presents.

"I know I don't have to. Tell yeh what, I'll get yeh an animal. Not a toad, they went out of fashion years ago- it'll be like gettin' the red notice, now. An' I don't like cats,- they make me sneeze. I'll get yeh an owl. All the kids wan' owls- they're dead useful, carry yer mail an' everything."

Twenty minutes later, they left Eeylops Owl Emporium, which had been dark, and smelled of poop. Finally, Harry was allowed to breathe through his nose once they got out, along with a beautiful, snowy white owl, which currently was asleep, as all owls should be.

Harry couldn't stop stammering his thanks to Hagrid. He sounded just like Professor Quirrell. Hey, did you ever notice that Quirrell sounds just like squirrel? Ha!

"Don' mention it," said Hagrid gruffly. "Don' expect you've got a lotta presents from them Dursleys." Hagrid muttered something under his breath, then said, "Just Ollivanders left now- only place fer wands, Ollivanders, and yeh got ter have the best wand. Yer Harry Potter! Just try ter pay attention."

The last shop was narrow, shabby, and sketchy. Peeling golden letters over the door read Ollivanders: Makers of Fine Wands since 382 B.C.

_Man, the guy that runs this store must be _old!, thought Harry. _Hey, is that something shiny on the floor?_

A bell rang somewhere in the shop when they entered. It was like a library; a bunch of rectangular boxes were shelves in neat rows.

The back of Harry's neck tingled. Something about this place was magical. Actually, everything, from the boxes, to the chair Hagrid was sitting on, to the random dust, was magical.

"Good afternoon," said a soft voice. Harry jumped. So did Hagrid, apparently, since there was now a bundle of wood where the chair used to be.

An old man was standing before them. He could have been a zombie, if he had random blood, bones, and organs sticking out, and his skin ripped, and stuff.  
"Err, Hello," said Harry, a bit frightened.

"Ah, yes," said the man. _He sounds like a really old guy_, thought Harry, his supposed ADHD kicking in.

"Yes, yes."continued the man. "I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter."

"..." _Is this man sketch or what_?

"You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday that she was in here, buying her fist wand. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wand for charm work."

Harry gasped. "How _do_ you do _that_?"

"I guess it comes naturally." Mr. Ollivander moved closer to Harry. Harry wish he'd stop staring at him. _If this guy assaults me, I hope Hagrid will save me_._ Hagrid seems like a good bodyguard_.

"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wand. Eleven inches. Pliable. A little more powerful and excellent for transfiguration. Well, I say your father favored it- it's really the wand that chooses the wizard, of course."

Mr. Ollivander was so close to harry that they were almost nose to nose. Harry could smell Mr. Ollivander's breath. It smelled of garlic.

"And that's where..."

Mr. Ollivander touched Harry's scar. Harry was ready to yell, "Hagrid!", kick Ollivander in the shins, and run away.

"I'm sorry to say I sold the wand that did that," said Ollivander. "Thirteen-and-a-half inches. Yew. Powerful wand, very powerful, and in the wrong hands... well, if I'd known what that wand was going to do, I would have shown him other wands. Maybe one would favor him."

He shook His head, then, To Harry's relief, found Hagrid. _I hope Hagrid beats him up if he assaults him_! Why is Harry obsessed with Hagrid beating people up? Has he seen Potter Puppet Pals?

"Rubeus! Rubeus Hagrid! How nice to see you again... Oak, sixteen inches, rather bendy, wasn't it?"

"It was, sir, yes," said Hagrid.

Harry silently groaned. _Great, Hagrid won't beat him up_! _And is this how all of his conversations go with other wizards_? _Ask them what their wand is like_?

"Good wand, that one. But I suppose they snapped it in half when you got expelled?" said Ollivander, suddenly stern.

"Er- yes, they did, yes," said Hagrid, shuffling his feet. "But I still have the pieces!" he added happily.

"But you don't _use_ them, do you?"

"Oh, no, sir," said Hagrid quickly, holding his pink umbrella tightly.

Harry slapped his forehead. _Great, just great_. _Hagrid uses magic illegally_, _now what_?

"Hmm," said Ollivander, who seemed to have a sneaking suspicion. "Well now, Mr. Potter. Let me see." He pulled out a long silver tape measure out of his pocket. "Which is you wand arm?"

"Er- I'm right-handed," said a confused Harry.

"Hold out your arm. That's it." He measured Harry from shoulder to finger, then wrist to elbow, shoulder to floor, and much more. Ha, that rhymes!

_Why is he measuring from my knee to my..._armpit?

As he measured, Ollivander said, "Every Ollivander wand has a core of a powerful magical substance, Mr. Potter. We use unicorn hairs, phoenix tail feathers, and dragon heartstring-"

"_Dragon heartstrings_? How do you get them?" Harry asked.

"Long story. Anyway-"

"But-"

"Do you want a wand today, or next week?"

That shut Harry up.

"As I was saying, no two Ollivander wands are alik-"

"You mean there are millions of phoenixes, unicorns, and dragons all across the world?"Harry interrupted.

"More than you can count. As I was saying, no two-"

"You mean there are more than _2_?"

Ollivander turned to Hagrid, who mouthed, "_ADHD_".

"OK, enough measuring. Let's get out some wands,"he said, grabbing the measuring tape, and heading towards the boxes.

"Right then, Mr. Potter. Try this one. Beechwood and dragon heartstring. Nine inches. Nice and flexible. Just give it a wave."

_Is all the information written on the boxes_?, thought Harry, as he grabbed the wand and (feeling foolish) waved it around a bit, until Ollivander snatched it out of his hand.

Harry tried with many different wands. The higher the pile of tried, the happier Ollivander would get.

_Do we pay him for every wand I try_?, Harry thought as he tried, "Ebony and unicorn hair, eight and a half inches, springy."

"Tricky customer, eh?"said Ollivander. "Not to worry, we'll find the perfect match here..somewhere. Here, an unusual combination. Holly and phoenix feather, eleven inches, nice and supple."

Harry raised the wand, and suddenly felt warm and fuzzy inside. When he waved the wand, a bunch of mini-fireworks appeared out of it.

Hagrid clapped and Ollivander cried, "Oh, bravo! Yes, indeed, oh, very good. Well, well, well... how curious.. how very curious..."

_Talk about a wild mood swing_, thought Harry.

Ollivander put Harry's wand back in the box, still muttering. Finally, Harry asked, "Excuse me, but what's curious?"

Ollivander looked at Harry, with a piercing glare.

"I remember every single wand I sold, Mr. Potter. Every single one."

"That's amazing! How-"

"It so happens that the phoenix who's tail feather is in your wand gave another feather- just one other."

"That's great, but-"

"It is very curious indeed that you should be destined for this wand when it's brother- why it's brother gave you that scar."

"WHAT! You mean-"

"Yes, thirteen-and-a-half-inches. Yew."

"That's not what I was going to say-"

"Curious how these things happen. The wand chooses the wizard, remember...I think we must expect great things from you, Mr Potter..."

"Yeh can' expect a boy ter-"interrupted Hagrid.

But Ollivander ignored him."After all, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named did great things- terrible, yes, but great."

Harry and Hagrid sighed, and payed for Harry's wand, and left.

They then left the shop, went to the wall, and left the Leaky Cauldron, which was now empty.

Harry didn't talk as they made their way down the road. He didn't pay attention to how much people were staring at them.

Wouldn't you stare at someone with a bunch of funny looking packages, and a snowy owl asleep inside a cage? No! You'd ask him where he got it from, ask him to take you there, and become a wizard! Unfortunately, none of us are in this story.

They went back to the station, and up the escalator. Harry only realized where they were when Hagrid tapped him on the shoulder; he had been daydreaming. They decided to stop for food at a hamburger restaurant.

"Yer alright, Harry? Yer very quiet,"said Hagrid.

Harry thought as he chewed his hamburger. He just had the best day of his life, figured out he might have ADHD (_Whatever that is_), and got a real birthday present. But something was bothering him...

"Everyone thinks I'm special," Harry admitted at last. "All those people in the Leaky Cauldron, Professor Quirrell, Mr. Ollivander...but I don't know _what_ I'm famous for! I can't even remember the night my parents died..."

Hagrid leaned across the table and patted Harry's back.

"Don' you worry, Harry. You'll learn fast enough. Everyone starts at the beginning at Hogwarts, you'll be fine. Just be yerself. An' trust me, you'll have a great time at Hogwarts. It's in yer blood."

Hagrid helped him on to the train that would take him back to the Dursleys, then handed him an envelope.

"Yer ticket fer Hogwarts," he said. "First o' September- King's Cross- it's all on yer ticket. Any problems with the Dursleys, send me a letter with yer owl. She'll know where ter find me... See yeh soon, Harry."

Harry looked at his envelope, then asked, "Hagrid, do you think...Hagrid?"

But Hagrid had disappeared.

* * *

**Yay! End of chapter!**

**Anyway, I would like to thank all my reviewers, and the people who added this story to their favorites of Alerts. Thanks!**

**I have three questions:**

**1. How much does 63 PS3s, 52 Wiis, 47 X-Box 360s, 25 i-Pads, 73 i-Phoes and 80 3DS' cost, if one 3DS $200?**

**2. Who spotted the Hana Yori Dango (Boys over Flowers) reference?**

**3. I have gotten permission from She-Who-Has-A-Very-Long-Name to write a spin-off of Craziness. Should I?**

**Thank you, and see ya!**


	6. The Journey

** Thanks for the reviews! They were great! **

** And to She-Who-Has-A-Very-Long-Name, there's cupcakes in The Younglings. Check it out.**

** And to xXHiddenXx, I did. Check my profile, you'll see it.**

* * *

Chapter Six:

The Journey... .. . . … . …

(What's up with the dots?)

Harry's last month with the Dursleys was indifferent. By indifferent I mean, COMPLETELY different! Aha! I got you, Perry the- wait, this is the wrong fandom? Oh well.

True- Dud couldn't stay in the same room with Harry for more then three seconds, while Aunty and Unc completely ignored Harry.

It was fun for a while; he could watch whatever he wanted on TV., eat whatever he wanted, sing "I Gotta Feeling" at the top of his lungs, and no one would say a thing. But it did become depressing after a while.

Harry usually stayed in his room, though, with his new owl, Hedwig. He had taught her how to tap dance to "Bad Romance".

His school books were interesting. Harry read them in the middle of the night, while Hedwig went out hunting. It was fortunate Aunty didn't come to vacuum in Harry's room, since Hedwig brought back dead mice. The smell was horrible, but with a little Febreeze, it was bearable.

Every night, before he went to sleep, Harry would tick of another day on a paper calender before September 1st. It's actually pretty sad that he has to do this.

On the last day of August, he thought to _finally_ ask Unc if he could drop him off at King's Cross. Why did Harry ask him _now_, I bet it has to do with ADHD.

Harry cleared his throat to show that he was there. Dud screamed like a little girl, and ran out of the room.

"Er- Uncle Vernon?"

Grunt.

"Er- I need to be at King's Cross tomorrow."

Grunt.

"Could you- er, drop me off?"

Grunt. Harry guess that meant yes.

He started walking back to the stairs, when Unc spoke. "Weird way to get to a wizard's school, huh? Are magic carpets now illegal?"

Harry didn't reply, but tried to escape.

"Where is this school, anyway?" asked Unc.

"I actually don't know," said Harry, finally realizing that he didn't know. He took the ticket Hagrid gave him out of his pocket.

"My ticket says 'Platform Nine and Three Quarters' so,I guess I take the train over there."

Unc turned to stare at him. "Platform what?"

"Nine and three quarters. I just said that."

"Boy, if I didn't know you were crazy,I would have thought that you were crazy. All right, we'll take you to King's Cross. We have to go to London anyway.

"Why?"Harry asked.

"Taking Dudley to the hospital. Gotta get that-"

"Boom Boom Boom?"

"No! Got to get that pig's tail removed before Dudley goes to Smeltings."

That night, Harry laid down on his bed, and stared at the sky. Then, he suddenly realized he was looking at the sky. Then, it turned back into the ceiling. Harry took a couple f deep breathes, then concentrated on the wall in front of him.

Before he knew it, he was looking at the hallway outside his room. He concentrated on the wall towards Dud's room, and saw Dud sleeping in his bed. _I can look through stuff..._he thought, before he got tired, and went to sleep.

Harry woke up at five o' clock and couldn't go back to sleep; he was just too exited.

He got up and put on his Muggle clothes. No, he doesn't sleep naked. If he did, that would be gross.

He checked his list thirty times, to make sure he had everything on the list, made sure Hedwig was safely in her cage, then tried out his new found ability.

When he saw the hallway, Harry decided to touch the wall, then felt _no _wall. He gasped, and broke his concentration. He tried touching the wall again, this time, not seeing through the wall. His hand went straight through wile concentrating. He smiled. _Walking through stuff, huh..._

Two hours later, all of Harry's stuff had been loaded into the Dursley's car, and Dud had been bribed 500 doughnuts to sit with Harry. Finally, they were off.

Harry tried not to go through stuff, but he did enjoy looking at buildings, airplanes, and trains and seeing what was inside them.

They reached King's Cross station at half past ten. Unc got Harry's things and helped them onto a cart.

Harry was very suspicious of Unc, and they were confirmed when Unc suddenly stopped.

"Well, here we are. Platform nine- plat form 10. I guess they didn't build it yet! Good luck!" and the Dursley's walked away, laughing and leaving Harry to wonder what was so funny about that joke.

Harry tried not to panic, even though he only had 10 minutes until the train left. So, no pressure.

Hagrid had probably forgot to tell him something you had to do, like tapping a bunch of bricks or "summat".

At that moment, someone behind him said, "-packed with Muggles, of course-"

Harry swung around. There was a woman, talking two four boys, all of whom had flaming red hair.

Each of them was pushing a trunk like Harry and they had an owl! But for safety measure, Harry looked inside their trunks, and saw robes, books, and in two of the boys' trunks, a variety of strange items.

Harry decided to follow them. Suddenly, they stopped.

"Now, what was that platform number? I forget every year," said the boy's mother. _She comes here a bunch of time but never remembers the platform number_? _What the heck_!, Harry thought.

"Nine and three quarters!" piped a small child, also with red hair, holding her mom's hand.

"Alright, Percy, you first."

A tall and lanky boy who looked like the oldest marched towards platform nine and ten. Harry watched closely, but he thought he missed something: just as the boy reached the dividing barrier, a crowd of tourists coincidentally appeared right in front of Harry. He looked past them, but the boy had suddenly disappeared.

"Fred, you next," said the plump (but not as plump as Unc) woman.

"I'm not Fred, I'm _George!_" said the boy. "And you say you're our mother."

"Sorry, George,"apologized the woman.

"Haha! I can't believe you fell for that! I _am_ Fred!"laughed Fred. "But seriously, you actually call yourself our mother?"

The boy and his twin went back to back. Just as they both reached the barrier, they disappeared.

Finally, Harry plucked up the courage. After all, it was now, or never.

"Excuse me," Harry said, walking up to the woman and the girl.

"Hello, dear. First time at Hogwarts? Ron's new, too." She pointed to the last red-haired boy.

"Yes," said Harry. "But how do you- er, um...I don't know how to- how do you- um...How-"

"How to get onto the platform?"she said kindly, and slightly annoyed. "All you do is just walk straight into the barrier. It's simple, really. Just don't get scared, or you'll crash. Believe me, I know."

"Er- okay?"

He pushed his trolley and walked towards the barrier. He was sure he was going to crash, or burn or die a painful death, or watch crazy authoresses wreak havoc on Hogwarts, and it's inhabitants. He broke into a run, waiting to crash and try again, using his powers. But he didn't have to, for there was no crash, and he kept on running.

Suddenly, he saw a scarlet steam engine was there, with people getting on board. It looked happy, beautiful, and not crazy. Then he realized he was looking at a painting, and turned the other way.

There was a scarlet train, but everything looked weirder. There were rabid fangirls, random kids yelling, "Oh my Force!", a random kid whining, "Where's my toad?", kids bossing kids around, kids with a box with harry legs sticking out, kids eating pie, kids singing, "Numa Numa" and a bunch of other weird things. The sky suddenly looked darker, like something was blocking the sun.

Harry pressed through the crowd until an empty compartment in the back of the train. He put Hedwig in first, then tried to eave the bags up the stairs. He got several scars and bruises to match with his lightning scar.

"Need a hand?" said one of the red haired twins, as the other one helped Harry carry one of the bags up the stairs.

"YES!" Harry didn't need to be asked twice.

With the help of the twins, Harry's stuff was safely on board the train."Thanks," Harry panted, wiping he hair off his sweaty forehead.

"Oh my Force-" one of the twins gasped.

"He is," said the other. "Aren't you?"

"What?"

"Harry Potter. HP. Parry Hotter. The Boy Who Lived. The Kid Who Didn't Die. Your pick," the twins chorused.

"I'm just Harry,"Harry said simply, feeling himself turning slightly red. Then, to his relief, he heard a voice calling, "Fred? George? Are you there?"

The twins hopped of the train, while Harry went to his compartment, where coincidentally, he could hear every word the red-haired family was saying outside.

"Ron, you git something on your nose," said the plump woman.

"No, Mu-" But she grabbed him and began rubbing his nose, until he broke free of her grip.

"Ahhh, ickle Ronnie got sumfink on his wittle noise? Don't worry, Mummy will wipe that wight off," one of the twins teased.

"Shut up!" Ron argued.

"Where's Percy?" asked their mother.

"He's coming right now."

The oldest boy came up to his family. He held his chest high, literally, so everyone would notice his shiny badge with the letter "P" on it.

"I can't stay long, Mum. Have to go to the _Prefect's _compartments," said Percy, emphasizing Prefects.

"Oh, are you a _Prefect_, Percy?"said one of the twins, feigning surprise. "You should have said something! We had no idea!"

"Hang on, I think he said something once," said the other twin.

"Or twice-"

"A minute-"

"All summer-"

"Two years ago-"

"Oh, shut up,"said Percy.

"How come Percy gets new robes?" one of the twin's complained.

"Because he's a _Prefect_,"said the mother. _What is up with this family and italicizing Prefect_? Harry wondered.

She kissed Percy on the cheek and he left. Then she turned to the twins.

"Now you two- this year, you behave yourselves. If I get another owl saying that you've- that you've blown up a toilet or-"

"Oh Mom, we don't blow up toilets."

"Yeah, we blow up the whole bloody _bathroom_!" The twin's laughed.

"It's not funny! And look after Ron."

"Don't worry, ikle Ronniekins is safe with us!"

_Help me!_, Ron mouthed to his mom.

"Anyway, Mom, guess what? Guess who we met on the train?"

Harry leaned back a bit, to make sure they didn't see him.

"You know that little black-haired kid who was near us on the station? Know who he is?"

"Daniel Radcliffe?"

"No! Harry Potter!"

"AHHH!"the little girl squealed. "OH MY FORCE! HARRY POTTER! I HAVE TO GET HIS AUTOGRAPH! MOM, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!"

"Ginny, you already saw him. He isn't something you trap and just stare at. Is he really, Fred? Or are you just making this up?"

"Mom, you have _that _little faith in us?"

The woman glared at the twins.

"Touche. But we did see him! He showed us his scar!"  
"Poor dear- no wonder he was all alone. And he was so polite."

A whistle sounded. "Hurry up!" their mother said, as the three boys clambered onto the train, as their younger sister began to cry.

"Don't, Ginny. We'll send you loads of owls!"

"We'll send you a Hogwarts toilet!"

"_George_!"

"Only joking, Mom."

Harry watched as the girl and her mother disappeared from sight. Harry then felt a great leap of excitement. He was going away from the Dursleys!

Suddenly, the door of the compartment slid open and the youngest red-haired boy entered.

"Anyone sitting here?"the boy asked, pointing to an empty seat. "Everywhere else is either full, or has- erm- can I just sit here?"

"Sure." The boy sat down, just as the compartment door slid open again.

"Hey, Ron." The twins were back. "Listen, we'll be down by the middle of the train- Lee's got a giant tarantula down there."

Ron just shrugged.

"Harry," said the other twin, "did we introduce ourselves? Fred and George Weasley. Hogwarts' next generation of rule breakers. And here's our brother, Ron. See you later, then."

The moment Fred and George left, Ron gasped. "Oh my Force, are you really Harry Potter?"he blurted out.

Harry nodded modestly.

"Whoa. And have you really got the- the- the- you know, the-" He pointed at Harry's scar.

Harry pulled back his hair to reveal his lightning scar. Ron's mouth gaped open.

"That's where You-Know-Who-?"

"Yeah, but I can't remember it." _Hooray_! _I'm making friends_!

"Nothing?"

"Well, I remember lots of green light, but nothing else."

"Wow. That's AWESOME!"There was a moment of silence, then Harry asked, "Are all of your family wizards?"

"Er- yeah, I think so," said Ron. "I think Mom has a second cousin who's an accountant, but we never talk about him. By the way, what _is _an accountant?"

Harry shrugged. "But if your family is all wizards, you must know loads of magic alread- Hey, look! Trees!"

Harry and Ron spent a couple of minutes staring at some trees, when Ron said, "I heard you went to live with Muggles. What were they like?"

"Horrible. Well, not all of them but- Hey, how many brothers and sisters do you have?"

"Oh, I have 6. Five brothers and one sister. I'm the sixth in my family to go to Hogwarts. You could say I have a lot to live up to. Bill was Head Boy, Charlie was captain of Quidditch, Percy's a Prefect, and Fed and George are funny. Everyone expects me to do as well, but if I do, they won't care because my brothers did it first. And you never get anything new, either."

He turned to face Harry. "I guess I told you my whole life story when all you wanted to know wa- Are you even paying attention?"

Harry did not hear this, since he was busy staring at trees again. Suddenly, he realized Ron was talking. "Huh?"

"Harry, do you have ADHD?"

"Well, Hagrid says I do. By the way, what is AD- Ooh! Look! Trees!"The two boys spent another couple of minutes staring at tress when Ron remembered something. "Oh, yeah. I have a pet, but he's Percy's old rat."

Ron reached into his jacket and pulled out a fat, sleeping rat. "His name is Scabbers and he's pathetic. He never does anything, besides sleep and eat. My mom and dad gave Percy a new rat and they couldn't aff- I mean, uh, look! Trees!"

They spent a minute looking at trees, but Harry had knew what Ron was going to say.

So, he told him all about his life with the Dursleys, which surprisingly cheered Ron up.

"...and until Hagrid told me, I didn't know anything about being a wizard, or my parents, or even about Moldywarts-"

Ron gasped.

"Sorry, I mean, _Voldemort-_"

Ron gasped again.

"What?"

"_You said You-Know-Who's name_!"gasped Ron, sounding awed, and shocked at the same time. "I'd have thought that you would have been- no offense or anything- but that you-"

"I'm not trying to show-off or anything, saying the name! I never knew that you weren't supposed to! See what I mean? I have loads to learn...I bet I'm going to be the worst in class," Harry groaned.

"Aw, Harry, you won't be! Plenty of people come from Muggle families and they learn quick enough. You'll be fine!"said Ron, cheering Harry up.

"Thanks, Ron. Does this mean that we're officially friends?"

"...I guess. Sure!"

"Yay!" both of the boys yelled.

Around half past twelve, a woman opened the compartment door and asked, "Anything off the cart, dears?"

Harry jumped eagerly, and went to check what was in the cart, expecting all sorts of British candy, but the lady didn't have that. Instead, she had a bunch of stuff I'm too lazy to go into, so we'll just skip ahead and say Harry got some of everything in the cart.

Ron gaped as Harry brought it all back to their compartment.

"Whoa."

"I'm starving!"said Harry taking a bite out of a pumpkin pasty.

Ron sighed, and pulled out some lumpy sandwiches, and sighed again. "Great, corned beef _again_!"

"Wanna trade?"

"Would I!"

The two boys started eating all of Harry's stuff, while the sandwiches drowned in the sea of food.

"What are these?" Harry asked, holding a pack of chocolate frogs. "Are they..._alive_?"

"No, but check what card it is."

"Huh?"

"Oh, yeah, you don't know- Chocolate Frogs have cards, inside them, yo know- oh, wait, you don't- to collect famous wizard cards. I've got about five hundred, but I haven't got Agrippa or Ptolemy."

"_Five Hundred_! Dang this is addictive!"

Harry unwrapped his Chocolate Frog and looked at his card. It was Albus Dumbledore.

"So _this _is Dumbledore!"

"You don't know who- oh, yeah, you don't...Can I have a frog? I might get Agrippa- thanks-"

Harry turned over his card and read:

_ALBUS DUMBLEDORE_

_ CURRENTLY HEADMASTER of HOGWARTS_

_ Considered by many the greatest wizard of modern times, Dumbledore is particularly famous for his victory versus the dark wizard Grindelwald in 1945 in a game of basketball (190-2), his discovery of the twelve uses of dragon blood and how to use lemon drops in a wizarding duel, and his work of alchemy with his partner, Nicholas Flamel. Professor Dumbledore enjoys basketball, rock music, lemon drops, and juggling._

_ What the-_, thought Harry. He turned his card over. "What the-! Dumbledore's gone!"

"It's not like- oh, yeah, you don't know...No, I got Morgana. I got about six of her. Want one? You can start collecting."

"Nah, it seems too addictive. But I'll keep this card." Harry then turned to open a bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavored Beans.

"Be careful with those. They literally mean _every_ flavor beans,"Ron warned.

They had a great time eating Every Flavored Beans. Harry was lucky enough to get good flavored ones and Ron, well...let's not get into that.

There was a knock on the compartment door and a young, round-faced boy came in, looking quite tearful.

"Have you seen my toad?"

Harry and Ron shook their head. The boy sighed. "If you see him..." and the boy left.

"If I had a toad, I would be _glad _to get rid of it. But I have Scabbers, so..."

The rat was still sleeping on Ron's lap.

` "H could have died and you wouldn't know the difference," Ron said in disgust. "Fred gave me a spell to turn him yellow, but it probably won't work, anyway. Let me show you."

Ron pulled out a battered, old, deformed stick. He had just raised his and when the door slid open again.

The toadless boy was back, with another girl. "Has anyone seen a toad? A boy named Neville's lost one,"she said quickly. "Wait are you doing magic? Can I watch?"

Ron looked taken aback. "Er- okay?" He cleared his throat.

"_Sunshine, daises, butter mellow. Turn this stupid fat _Hobbi- I mean, erm- _Sunshine, daises, butter mellow. Turn this stupid fat rat yellow_!"

He waved his wand, and...nothing happened.

"Are you sure that's a real spell?" asked the girl. "Well, it's not very good. I've tried dozens of spells and they've all worked for me. I've even memorized our coursebooks-"

_Who actually does that? I bet Ron never has! _Harry thought.

"-of course, I hope it's good enough. I'm Hermione Granger, by the way. And you?" She said all of this so fast, Harry's head was spinning.

"I'm Ron Weasley," Ron muttered.

"I'm Harry Potter," Harry smiled, eager to mask more friends.

"Oh my Force, Harry Potter!Iknowallaboutyou,you'reinabunchofbooksI''!"Hermione squealed breathlessly.

"Excuse me, can you slow down a bit?"

"Oh, sorry. I got carried away. I've read all about you! You're in a bunch of books! Like _Modern Magical History_, and _The Rise and Fall of the Dark Arts_ and _Great Wizarding Events of the Twentieth Century_!"

"I am?"said Harry, a bit confused.

"Anyway, do either of you know what House you'll be in? I've been asking around, and most people want to be in Gryffindor. Did you know that Dumbledore was in Gryffindor? I hear he teaches a special class exclusive to them! We'll you two better change, soon. Bye!"

She and the toadless boy left.

"...That girl was weird," Ron simply stated. Harry just shrugged, but he saw something in Ron's eyes..._I wonder if I can see through _people_? _Harry tried, but all he saw was what was behind Ron.

"What House are your brother's in?" Harry asked.

"Gryffindor. Mom and dad were in it, too. Imagine if they put me in _Slytherin_..."Ron shuddered.

"That's the House Voldy- I mean, Volde- I mean, You-Know-Who was in, right?"

"Yeah," said Ron, looking a bit depressed.

"So, um, what do your brothers do, now that they've left Hogwarts?"Harry asked, trying to make Ron un-depressed.

"Charlie's in Romania, studying dragon's and Bill's in Africa, doing something for Gringotts," answered Ron. "Which reminds me, did you hear about- no, of course you didn't- someone tried to rob a high security vault!"

"What the Force! What happened to them?"

"Nothing! That's why it's such big news! No one knows who did it. My dad says a dark wizard must have done it, but they didn't steal anything. Isn't that crazy? If I robbed a vault, I would steal _something_! Isn't that the purpose of robbing?"

Harry nodded.

"What's your Quidditch team, Harry?"

"I-er- don't know any," Harry admitted.

"What the Force! It's like, the best game ever!"And Ron went on, explaining everything there is to know about him, Quidditch, and everything in between.

Soon, the door suddenly opened again, but it wasn't Neville or Hermione.

Three boys entered the compartment. Harry recognized the middle one as the racist kid in Madam Malkin's shop.

"Is it true?" he said. "Harry Potter is in this compartment?"

Harry nodded.

"You're the boy I meet at Madam Malkin's, right?"

Harry nodded absentmindedly. _Those two boys look super strong and big..._

"Oh, this is Crabbe and Goyle," said the pale boy carelessly, noticing where Harry was looking. "And I'm-"

"Bond, James Bond?"

"No, Malfoy, Draco Malfoy." The boy spoke like he was in an action movie.

Ron coughed, trying to hide a laugh. Malfoy turned to face Ron.

"Think my name's funny do you? No need to ask who you are! Red hair, stupid look, bad breathe, poor, and more children than they can afford. You must be a Weasley."

"Ooh, Ron! You just got _burned_!"

"Shut up, Harry!"

Malfoy turned to Harry. "Well, now that you know I'm an evil, manipulative, angry, burning, stalking-a-certain-crazy-authoress jerk, do you want to be friends with me?"

"...What the Force! No way!" Harry and Ron both got up. "Not after what you said about Ron!"

"Oh, are you going to fight us?"Malfoy sneered.

"Unless you lot get out right now!"yelled Ron. Both of them were feeling braver than usual, since both Crabbe and Goyle were both giants.

"Well, we'll steal some food first! Crabbe! Goyle!"

But before Crabbe or Goyle touched anything, Goyle screamed like a little girl.

Scabbers, the rat who does nothing, was hanging off of Goyle's finger, sinking his teeth deep into Goyle's skin.

Soon, there was a lot of confusion, and Draco and his bodyguards left, and Scabbers was laying in Ron's lap.

A second later, Hermione Granger came in. "What the _Force _is going on!" she yelled, watching all the sweets laying on the floor, and Ron picking up Scabbers by the tail.

"Oh, god! He's fallen asleep!" And so he had.

"Anyways, you met Malfoy before?" asked Ron, unaware Hermione was there.

Harry explained about their meeting in Diagon Alley.

"I've heard about them,"said Ron darkly. "His family used to work for You-Know-Who, but when he disappeared, they turned back to our side. Dad still thinks they're evil, and tries to catch them red-handed."

Hermione coughed slightly.

"Can I help you?" Ron asked.

"You better put your robes on, because we'll be reaching Hogwarts soon. And try not to fight, or you'll be _expelled_." And she left.

Harry noticed the train had been slowing down, so they both got changed into their robes. Ron's were a bit dirty and too small for him.

Suddenly, an announcement came on: "We'll be reaching Hogwarts soon. Hooray! Please leave your luggage on the train; it will be taken to school separately. If you are waiting to go to Pigfarts, please remain seated, and we will lift off soon enough."

The two boys crammed their pockets with sweets and they joined the crowd.

When the train stopped, and everyone got out, Harry heard a voice, yelling, "Firs' years! Firs' years over here! All right, Harry?"

Harry smiled.

"Alright, firs' years, follow me!"

They soon reached the lake, and suddenly, "Ooh! Ahh!"

Perched atop a high mountain on the other side, its windows sparkling in the starry sky, was a vast castle with many turrets and towers.

"No more'n four in a boat!" Hagrid yelled as everyone followed suit.

Suddenly, after Hagrid got into one, the boats started magically moving towards the castle.

The ride was pretty straightforward, literally. There were no twist or turns, but it was fun. And Harry could have sworn that he saw a tentacle somewhere in the water.

Finally, they reached a sort of Harbor, and a giant door. "Oy, has anyone lost a toad?" Hagrid yelled, as people got out of boats. Neville ran up to Hagrid, and got back his toad, finally.

Hagrid walked up the giant door and knocked three times, no more and no less. Exactly three.

* * *

**Alright! Next chapter is when things get interesting! And I have three other crazy authoresses that are going to help me co-host. Yay!**

**And I won't be able to update until around the end of August, so see you then! **


	7. The Hat That Sorts

**Me: Thanks for the reviews, you guys are the best!**

**Lizzie: Yeah we are! Am I righ-**

**Me: You're not supposed to be here yet!**

**Jennifer: Well, we were bored.**

**Lizzie: Can I say the disclaimer?**

**Me: No.**

**Lizzie: Mylia owns-**

**Me: I said no!**

**Jennifer: (sighs) Well, enjoy the chapter**

**Jacqueline: Hi, guys!**

**Me: Jackie, not you too! Uhhh...**

* * *

Chapter Seven:

The Hat that Sorts

(Kinda like organizing, but with people...isn't that the same thing?)

The door suddenly opened, as a few people jumped. A person who you all know as Professor McGonagall, stood there at the door. Someone peed their pants in fright looking at her stern face.

Hagrid pushed all the first years in the general direction of Professor McGonagall, wiped his boots in his lake, and walked away, the door closing behind him.

The entrance hall was HUGE! You could have put the whole Celtics stadium inside there. Believe me, I've been to both places.

There was another pair of doors but Professor McGonagall didn't lead them through it. Harry could hear a bunch of people doing something that sounded really fun. Harry wished he was there. He almost started to look through it, but decided to let it be a surprise. I like surprises. They make me hungry.

Professor McGonagall lead the little mid- I mean, um, _kids_ into a small a giant castle, that chamber was very small. Everyone squeezed in.

Professor McGonagall stood at the front of the chamber, and began her speech. "Welcome to Hogwarts. The st-"

Harry raised his had.

"Yes?" asked McGonagall.

"Why is this place called 'Hogwarts'? I thought a great place like this would be named something like, 'Wizarding School' or something." Ron, who was standing beside Harry, groaned. _There goes his ADHD again..._

McGonagall looked at Harry quizzically. "Err...I don't really know. Anyway as I was saying, The start-of-term banquet will- _One _question per person,"she quickly said as soon as she saw Harry's hand again.

"_As _I was saying, the start-of-term banquet will begin shortly,but before you take your seat in the Great Hall- Yes, young lady?" Hermione had raised her hand.

"I've read all about Hogwarts from '_Hogwarts, A History_'! Did you know that-"

"Young lady, I _wrote _'_Hogwarts, A History_'. You need not lecture me about that book."That shut Hermione up.

"_As I _was saying, before you take your seats in the Great Hall, you will be sorted into your houses. The- _Yes_, young man?" Ron raised his hand this time.

"Aren't we already sorted into houses? I mean, we all live in one."

"Except you, Weasley!"someone with a familiar voice yelled somewhere in the crowd of children.

Apparently Ron had recognized the voice, and was trying to find the person who insulted him, by pushing his way toward Draco Malfoy, his face redder than his hair.

McGonagall, already annoyed with all of those interruptions, pulled Ron and Malfoy away from each other before they started punching. After several minutes of calming, McGonagall finished her speech, and left, muttering, "I need some caf."

"How do we get sorted into our houses, Ron? Did your brothers say anything about this? I'm not worried, though. What would give you that impression? Huh? Huh? Huh? H-"

"Harry, _calm down_. We are _not _going to die. Anyway, Fred did say something about battling a troll-" They both gulped, "-but I don't believe him." And they both let out a sigh of relief.

Hermione found her voice, and started going on about all the spells she had learned. It's hard not feeling nervous when she's on learning mode. Harry suddenly had a sudden feeling of throwing up from his stomach. He hadn't learned any spells, or anything. Even Neville was probably better than him!

He was considering asking Hermione for help, until something happened, that made Ron jump into the arms of Draco Malfoy, and immediately dropped onto the floor.

About a bajilllion ghosts (actually, like 12, but you know Harry) glided into the room, from the walls. None of them noticed the midgets. Maybe cause they're so tiny. Or maybe cause they were arguing... Who knows?

A big fat guy wearing a robe was saying: "Forgive and forget, I say."

"But Peeves is, like, totally, like, killing our vibe, man," said a weird looking ghost wearing psychedelic clothing.

"Yes, and we have already gave him more than 20 chances. And he's not even a ghost, for- What are you lot doing here?"a ghost wearing something from the 1800's asked the first years. I'm too lazy to describe what he was wearing. Just be glad I even posted this chapter, alright! You know, there are people in the world dying due to malnutrition, or they're being persecuted, or something! You know what? We are all spoiled little-(connection interrupted)

Sorry, my friend took control of the keyboard, and I'm to lazy to erase what she wrote, so moving on with the story! Yay!

"New students!"yelled the Friar guy. "About to be sorted, I presume."

"Can I ask you a question?"asked Harry.

"Sure!"

"Were you in that Disney movie 'Robin Hood'?"

The Fat Friar was saved from answering, since Professor McGonagall came in a few seconds later, drinking a cup of coffee.

"Form a line. _Sip. _And follow me," she said to the first years.

Harry felt as though his legs had turned to lead, so Ron had to drag Harry into line, and move him around.

You all know what the Great Hall looked like, right? Which means I don't have to explain it, right? OK, good.

The group stopped at a giant platform, where, on a stool, sat a hat. _Maybe it has something in it, like a rabbit...Rabbits are fluffy...Clouds are fluffy...Clouds look like marshmallows...I'm hungry..._

It's strange how Harry's mind makes these connections. Must have something to do with ADHD.

Suddenly, he realized everyone was staring at the hat. Suddenly, it twitched. Suddenly, a rip on the hat widened into a mouth. Suddenly (things have _got _to stop happening suddenly here), it sang a song:

"_Ohhhhhhhhh__,_

_You may not think I'm pretty, (cause I'm ugly,)_

_But don't judge by what you see_

_I'll eat myself alive (because I can't eat myself when I'm dead)_

_If you can find a smarter hat than me!_

_You can keep your bowlers black (or green, like the Minister)_

_Your top hats sleek and tall_

_For I am the Hogwarts Sorting Hat (and you might wonder what this has to do with anything, but it does)_

_And I can cap them all!_

_There's nothing in your head (that's were a hat goes, remember?)_

_The Sorting Hat (that's me!) can't see_

_So try me on (your head) and I'll tell you_

_Where you ought to be_

_You might belong in Gryffindor (no, they don't have a pet Griffin so stop asking)_

_Where dwell the brave at heart_

_Their daring, nerve, and chivalry (who wrote this song, anyway?)_

_Set Gryffindors apart_

_You might belong in Hufflepuff (sorta sounds like Powerpuff)_

_Where they are just and loyal_

_Those (un)patient Hufflepuff are true (unless you're Marietta,in that case, _too_ truthful)_

_And unafraid (not) of toil_

_Or yet (yes, there's more) in wise old Ravenclaw_

_If (and only if) you are ready of mind_

_Where those of wit and learning (cough, Hermione Granger, cough)_

_Will always find their kind_

_Or (_Another_!) perhaps in Slytherin_

_You'll make real (or fake, we're not picky) friends_

_Those conning folk use any (and we mean _any_, even if it means joining Voldy, but only like, 3 guys do that. The rest do it when they grow up, and about 50% grew up with Voldy) means_

_To achieve their ends_

_So put me on! Don't be afraid! (unless you have hat-a-phobia)_

_Don't get into a flap! (unless you are a bird trying to fly away, than you have to flap)_

_You're in safe hands! (Don't ask)_

_For I am a Thinking Cap (but I don't help you think, so no more students trying to steal me for their exams! Gosh!)_

The hall burst into applause, except for the first years, who were either disappointed they couldn't have a pet Griffin in Gryffindor, or confused about why everyone was applauding that weird song.

"I'll be here all year!"said the hat, and it became still.

"So all we have to do is try on a hat that has horrible singing? That's _way _better than battling a troll, right Harry?"asked Ron. But Harry wasn't paying any attention. Instead, he was looking for two things: shiny objects, and a way to be picked for something. _Anything_. Even something lame! OK, maybe not. But you get the point.

Professor McGonagall came back, holding another cup of coffe and a long list. "I am going to call you in a random order. OK,..._Sip._ Potter, Harry! _Sip_."

Harry didn't know if this was good luck or bad luck, so he called it neutral luck. He went onto the stool, and pulled the hat on, ignoring the very loud gasp and scream from someone in the audience, which overpowered all the other mutterings: "OMF, HARRY POTTER! I LOVE YOU! (Fangirl Scream)!"

Suddenly, Harry heard the hat speak, but no one else seemed to hear. (He tried asking Professor McGonagall, but she said to calm down before people started staring, because the hat was talking.

"You know, I think you should be in Slytherin. How about you?"

_I don't want to. Can it be Gryffindor? Because that's were are the good people are._

"That's so stereotypical. Good people can be in Slytherin. But I suppose I'll put you in...GRYFFIN ROAD! I mean, GRYFFINDOR!"

Everyone cheered. Harry felt so happy. He turned around and saw Hagrid wink at him. Harry jumped off the stool, and tried to figure out which table was Gryffindor's. He assumed it was the one where everyone was cheering at.

Calmly, he continued to watch the Sorting. Ron, Hermione, Neville and plenty of other people got sorted into Gryffindor. Ron sat next to Harry, and Hermione sat in front of them.

At the staff table, Dumbledore stood up, and said, "Welc-"

Harry waited for him to continue, but he just stood there, like he was frozen. "What's wrong with him?"Harry whispered to Ron, but Ron didn't respond. Harry suddenly realized that everyone except him had been frozen. It seemed as though time had stopped.

Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and four girls appeared in front of Harry. One girl had straight, dark blonde hair, and her eyes changed from green to brown and back. Another girl had dirty blonde hair, tied back in a ponytail, and blue eyes. Another girl: auburn hair, and brown eyes. The final girl had wavy brown hair, and green eyes. All of them were wearing brown robes, and each of them had a name tag. They read, (in order): Lizzie Blue, Jennifer Griffin, Jacqueline Robinson, Sophie Glenn.

Harry was too shocked to speak. He just stared at them until one of them finally said: "I see you're not understanding this, Harry."

"Of course he's not, Lizzie. It took you, like, 2 minutes to realize that!"said the one named Jennifer.

"Time's stopped here, Jenny. It doesn't matter! Anyway, I guess you already know who we are,"said the girl known as Lizzie.

"Or at least what are names are,"added Sophie.

"Yeah, but you don't know who we are. Jackie, will you do the honors?"

"Sure,"replied Jackie. "We are your helping conscience-like people-friends-stuff-ish-things-people...uh...yeah..."

"What do you mean?"asked Harry. He still didn't understand.

"Well,"started Sophie, "during each chapter-"

"Chapter?"

"Day!"Jennifer quickly said.

"Nice save,"Lizzie commented.

"Lizzie, he's not supposed to know!"

"He doesn't know!"

"Uhrg..."

"Anyway, as I was saying,"Sophie continued, "each...once-in-a-while, we will be able to grant you one wish."

"Can I get one now?"

"...Uh...Woah! Look at the time! Don't we have to do that- that _thing_, guys?"

"_Yeah_! We have to do that..._thing _we do!"said Lizzie. "Bye, Harry!"

They started fading away, but not before Jennifer warned him: "No one knows time stopped, and no one must know about us! Goodbye, Harry!"

There was another flash of light, and it seemed as though time had returned. But Harry wasn't paying attention. No, he wasn't looking at a shiny spoon (though his eyes did glance towards a _spork_...), but at the note Jennifer had left him.

Hoping Ron wouldn't notice him, Harry read the note:

_Harry, if you need us, yell out 'Pause' and time will stop, allowing us to talk to you in complete privacy._

In a different handwriting, someone wrote:

_But don't do that right now because I need to do something._

In another handwriting:

_I seriously doubt you have to do something._

_ Guys, please, this message was strictly for telling Harry how to contact us._

_ …I want pie._

_ In the name of the Moon, I will bring some for Lizzie Blue! And me!_

_ Thanks, Sophie!_

_ Don't forget me!_

_ Jenny, you just said-_

_ Quiet, Jackie, I'm too busy eating. And Sophie, don't give Lizzie pineapple pie._

_ …Oops._

_ Don't worry, Jenny, I won't tell Harry that he's actually-_

_ Send the message, someone! Before Lizzie blows our cover!_

The only thing Harry could think of right now was: _What strange girls. I can't believe they are my consciences._

The only thing Harry caught from Dumbledore's speech was: "Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! Pie! ! Pina Colada! Basketball! Thank you!"

"Er, Perc...y, is Dumbledore a bit...y'know..."Harry tried to ask.

"Yeah, I bet he is. Want some pie, Harry?"  
Since this chapter is already to long, I'll skip a bit of the explaining what there was to eat.

"That tastes good, doesn't it?"said a weird old looking ghost, watching Ron stuff himself.

"Can't you-"Harry started to ask, before the ghost interrupted him. He grabbed his left ear and pulled. You all know how it looked.

"Even if I could eat in the past four hundred years, I wouldn't be able to swallow,"Nick said gloomily, and he sauntered away.

Everyone around him was talking, while Harry was listening. Some of them were talking about lessons (I bet you could guess who).

Up at the staff table, Dumbledore had gotten up, and was starting to walk out the hall. "Where are you going today, Dumbledore?"asked McGonagall sternly, turning around in her seat.

"Oh, Minnie, tonight it's Lakers vs. Celtics! I have to watch! And tell Arthur Weasley thank you for the special Muggle devices enchanted to work in Hogwarts."

All McGonagall could do was slap her forehead and say, "I _definitely _need more caf."

Harry wasn't looking that way, however. He was looking at the teacher who was talking to Professor Quirrell. Interrupting Percy and Hermione's "intriguing" conversation about Transfiguration, he asked, "Who's that person talking to Quirrell?"

"Oh, Professor Snape,"said Percy indifferently, and continued talking to Hermione.

_He's that guy who sent me his regards and foreshadowing hatred! I wonder what that meant..._,Harry thought.

Soon, all the food disappeared, and McGonagall stood up, holding a note. She read it, frowned, cleared her throat, and said, "Professor Dumbledore says that no one is allowed in the Forbidden Forest- hence the name-and the third floor corridor on the right hand side. Mr. Filch said no magic allowed in corridors, and Madam Hooch has informed me that Quidditch trials start next week. Now, off to bed!"

Though McGonagall stopped speaking, Harry had a feeling there was more on that note.

After a long time (most of it being Percy explaining everything) Harry finally laied down on his own bed, and fell straight asleep.

He had a really weird dream, but I'm too lazy to go into it, so goodnight!

**

* * *

Me: Now, wasn't that fun! Anyway, everyone else went off to eat pie, and I have a few announcements.**

**First: Don't be afraid when you see that I haven't been updating in a few months. I have school, so you all must be patient.**

**Second: Who here knows the identities of the girls? You should at least know two. I'll tell you next chapter who they are. I'll leave you in suspense for now. Mwhahahahahahaha! P.S. A hint is somewhere in something Lizzie said.**

**Third: Check out my profile poll!**

**And now, I'm off. Goodnight, FanFiction!**


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